


Shores In Flames

by OnlyOneWoman



Series: Belize Shadow [7]
Category: Animal Kingdom (TV)
Genre: Alternate Canon, Angst, Brotherly Love, Brothers, Casual Sex, Coming Out, Confusion, Cuddling & Snuggling, Dating, Derdrian, Dream Sex, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Constipation, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Manipulation, Exes, Explicit Sexual Content, Fear, Feelings, Friendship, Friendship/Love, Frustration, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, Insecurity, Internalized Homophobia, Jealousy, M/M, Make Amends, Mother-Son Relationship, Nightmares, Non-Graphic Rape/Non-Con, Personal Growth, Pining, Reconciliation, Regret, Sexual Content, Shower Sex, Sleepy Cuddles, Trust Issues, Unhealthy Relationships, Unresolved Emotional Tension, Vulnerability
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-09
Updated: 2017-09-09
Packaged: 2018-12-13 05:28:11
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 60
Words: 30,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11753010
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnlyOneWoman/pseuds/OnlyOneWoman
Summary: Well, here's a follow-up to "Surfing Embers". The title for this one is shamelessly stolen from Bathory's "Shores In Flames". I will have both Deran's and Adrian's POV here and it takes place in "present time", but of course you shouldn't look for too much canon stuff here. I VERY rarely stick to canon, just so you know.This MAY develope to one of the prompts I've had, but I'm not entirely sure which one or how. When I know, I will tell, of course. Oh, and you may want to know that this story will NOT be canon compliant. I mean, there's two episodes left this season and if the authors wont give me what I want, I'll write it myself^^And I also want to thank all the lovely people reading, commenting, writing, sharing and just being so nice and encouraging in this fandom. You're amazing <3





	1. Adrian

With any other guy, Adrian wouldn’t have forgiven half of it and he’d be afraid of a sudden revenge. Thing is, Deran’s never been a patient guy and if he’d wanted to destroy this, he’d done it already. Some things just don’t change and that’s why Adrian’s not afraid anymore. In fact, he’s not been in a long time. The last bit of fear seems to have disappeared when Frederick made a pass on him at Deran’s bar and instead of acting like a creep like he would’ve before, Deran promised he wouldn’t fuck things up again. The old Deran would’ve just turned his back, gritting his teeth and pretending not to give a fuck, only to make one of his blunt moves later on, as if assuring himself he still has a place in Adrian’s life.  
  
People can change, it’s not that Deran can’t too, but the change is simply… too big. Adrian spends a week after the hook-up, afraid Deran will break into his apartment again or that Frederick will end up in hospital or worse. But nothing happens and Adrian sees Frederick again even if he’s not really into him. He’s nice, though, no closet case and refreshingly normal. Adrian guesses he’s the kind of guy he’d take home and present to his parents, if he had any. He’s got a sister way off in Portland he’s talking to like twice a year and two nieces he’s never met. Considering what tight family bonds did to Deran, Adrian isn’t sure he’s missing out on anything he couldn’t do just as well without.  
  
_Belize was a long time ago and it was simple there._ Adrian almost laughs over the board he’s currently working on. _Simple_. It’s never been simple with Deran Cody. He’s the fucking opposite of simple and a few weeks in Belize was the exception confirming the rule. They’ve never been able to catch that feeling again, despite having chased after it in darkness and privacy like some damn animals. It was never simple and that’s not only Deran’s fault. Adrian never made it clear he intended to see other guys and he’s never really told Deran to decide what he fucking wants, despite lots of opportunities. Whatever they’ve had since coming back from Belize, it obviously felt good enough for both of them long enough to get too comfortable. It’s like non of them actually expected things would change once they came back to Oceanside and that’s Adrian’s fault as much as Deran’s.  
  
Adrian’s not a martyr though, or one to take on guilt that’s not his. Punching him in the face, sending Pope on Dave and break into Adrian’s apartment like some damn psycho, that’s all on Deran and they both know it. Adrian’s not sure of how he’s able to forgive shit like that, but somehow he is and he’s not gonna let that cloud his judgement.  
  
The change in Deran’s talking, looking and behaving in every fucking way, is like seeing a different person. No, more like seeing the person Adrian saw enough glimpses of in Belize to fall in love. They were best friends and then, for some fucking reason Adrian still can’t fathom, they just fell high over heels in love at some point during those weeks. It was crazy, Deran was skittish as fuck, but they had their privacy and spent some really nice time there together. Enough time for Deran to let go a little and be… himself? Adrian would want to hope the Belize version of Deran is the one closest to who he really is, but he’s fooled himself with that image before and he’s not getting burned again.


	2. Deran

He’s still careful. He may be out, but he doesn’t want to be known as the guy who has his one night stands walking out of his bar for anyone to see. Mark Liston, who indeed was an asshole, isn’t worth the troubble, since Deran has a good book keeper now and nothing more to gain except sex. Deran could do without that guy’s bitchy attitude and comments about college kids because he obviously has no idea how it is not getting what you want in that area until you’re past twentyfive.  
  
The only thing that felt better with Mark, was the fact that it was Deran’s first sex since getting away from Smurf and coming out. Asshole or not, Mark was right. Deran was all pent-up because he’d not had anyone since the night he broke into Adrian’s apartment and Mark had a really nice ass, just what Deran needed. He’s been with a couple of guys since then, but Mark’s comment that was supposed to be a compliment, felt more like teasing and Deran’s been holding back a little ever since. Doesn’t want to appear desperate or needy even if it feels like he is. Fuck, he tried to be straight until he met Adrian and even when they’d started to fuck, Deran still tried to be with chicks. Not that he ever wanted to, he can admit that now.  
  
He’s never bottoming, of course he isn’t. There are limits only Adrian and some fucked up weed from Craig can make Deran cross and it’s never happened again. Even now, when he’s all out and even kissed Mark in front of a member of the staff, the idea of bottoming is way out of Deran’s comfort zone and the only one he’d ever trust to shut up about something like that and not using it to blackmail him, is Adrian.  Even after all the shit Deran put him through. He’s been such an asshole it would take a hundred Mark Listons to even come close to his level of assholishness.  
  
_How much do you have to hate yourself to talk like that?  
I don’t hate myself.  
  
_ Yeah, he kinda does. He’s just not hating himself for being gay anymore and he’s really skilled in keeping things he still hates in check. Like the fact that he liked taking it up his ass. Or that he regrets silly shit like not facing Adrian while fucking. That he doesn’t know how to make the empty feeling in his stomach to go away and that getting Smurf out of his life wasn’t enough to make it feel like she is. Deran has no idea how a relationship built on something else than business, guilt and unbalanced need works. What he had with Adrian is the healthiest relationship he’s ever got, maybe apart from Craig, and that says more about how utterly worthless Deran is, than how ”good” his relationship with Adrian was. Fucking pathetic. _  
_  
The guys he’s been with have been alright, he guesses. It’s surprisingly easy to get laid if you’re not busy being shit scared people will find out. The sex is good, but Adrian _knows_ him. They fucked on occasion for a long time and it’s not the same with someone who… Fuck it. He has to stop thinking about this! Deran fucked up, that’s it, and whatever he felt or could’ve felt for Adrian it’s too late now. And even if it wasn’t, Adrian deserves better. Whoever that idiot Adrian left with that night was, he’s probably not half as bad as Deran. Not breaking into Adrian’s window, beating him up and get his date thrown off a boat. It’s not as if it’s difficult to do better than Deran Cody.


	3. Adrian

There’s really nothing to complain about. Frederick is goodlooking and he has a nice ass, fitting like a hot vice around Adrian’s cock and it feels really good to not always bottoming. Not that Adrian complained about always receiving with Deran. Whatever faults that idiot has, he’s got a pretty awesome cock and he knew exactly how Adrian liked it, even if he never dared to really ask. Instead he just listened, something that doesn’t come to mind when thinking of Deran Cody. But he did, somehow registrating every noise and move Adrian made and adjusted his pace and force from that.  
  
Frederick moans loud as he comes and Adrian feels the muscles clench around his cock, squeezing it hard and seconds later he’s over the edge too. Afterwards, they’re laying next to each other, catching their breaths and Frederick suddenly laughs.  
  
”What?”  
”Damn, why are you always so quiet in bed?”  
  
Quiet? Adrian is momentarily confused.  
  
”I’m quiet?”  
”Yeah, man. Barely felt you coming.”  
  
Adrian bites back a sarcastic comment about if Frederick thinks the load he got dripping down his thighs is some kind of fucking yoghurt and shrugs.  
  
”Guess I’m just not a loud guy.”  
  
When you’re fucking with Deran Cody, it’s not only about discretion, but delusion. Belize was one thing. You could be loud there, at least Adrian was, but not here. It’s never been outspoken, it was just a matter of fact. Nine out of ten times, Deran would restrain himself in that regard even if they were somewhere very private and the risk of anyone noticing them was practically non-existent. Deran never told or even implied he wanted Adrian to be silent too, but it felt strange mostly hearing himself, especially since he didn’t see Deran’s face either.  
  
Frederick calls him back to reality with a kiss on his temple.  
  
”Wanna take a shower?”  
”Yeah.”  
  
Frederick is a sweet guy even if he’s got a really ugly haircut and about as much personality as a can of soup and being with him is very simple. They hit the shower – Deran never took showers _with_ Adrian – and Frederick spends time soaping Adrian’s body, playfully and smiling. Adrian smiles too and lets the nice, friendly hands be sweet to him, silencing the longing for a particular pair of rough palms the best he can.


	4. Deran

Not having to hide anymore is all good, but more than ten years in the closet don’t fade away just like that. Deran isn’t sure what’s worst. The fact that no one, now as he’s out, seems to give a shit, meaning he’s been needlessly afraid for years when he didn’t have to. Or that Smurf obviously knew but never once encouraged him to talk about it.  
  
Being open also means that certain things Deran’s barely been open about to himself, are stepping into light. Memories he’s tried to re-shape into something more barable, like the friend he had back in seventh grade, Jody, whom he used to skateboarding with. How Deran felt weirdly happy when he saw him, in a different way than with other friends. The slight tug in his belly when he said something funny or smiled. Not that Deran ever thought about it as something else than friendship, but he’d wondered why he got so increadibly sad when Jody suddenly moved to another state. Sure, they were friends, but still. Deran somehow felt it was a quite distinct difference compared to how he’d felt when other friends had disappeared from his life.  
  
In addition to that confusion, growing up with three older brothers – yes, Baz counts too – who brought home girls all the time, even Pope did that often before he got ill, doesn’t really help. Fucking faggot, girl, pussy, momma’s boy… Being the youngest isn’t always funny, even if Deran soon realised they were all momma’s boys in one way or another. But he’s the youngest and Smurf kept him close. Far too close. The only way to get rid of that label, was to be the worst. Show he had balls and didn’t break for a little blood or danger.  
  
Smurf has never cared about privacy. Discretion, yes, but that’s only when it comes to jobs. She’s walked in on them when they’ve taken a shower or changed clothes, seemingly indifferent to that kind of privacy. She’s even opened Craig’s door despite knowing he had a girl in bed and when they’ve knocked on her door for some reason, she’s never bothered dressing. She only started cover her tits once Pope barked she wasn’t fucking breastfeeding anymore. Deran was very relieved.  
  
Being a Cody means having lots of secrets and no privacy. Smurf has checked every friend or girlfriend over the years and if she’s found that someone doesn’t suit her, she got rid of them, in her subtle and calculating way. Deran may not be as smart as Pope, but he sure as hell learnt if he wants something to himself, Smurf mustn’t even suspect the existence of it. She’s like a shadow, covering everything within reach regardless of what it is. If she thinks she can use it to her advantage, it’s of interest. Never else. And since she found it more suitable for her to have Deran think he had a secret and being shit scared of anyone knowing, she let him carry that fear alone for fifteen years instead of helping. Because it suited her better and that’s what matters to her in the end.  
  
Deran tries not to think about how it could’ve been, _who_ he could’ve been, had Smurf just asked him if he liked guys and told him it was fine with her, when he was in his teens. He’s not ignorant enough to think he’d necessarily been a better person or that all those years of hiding and denying are solely responsible for how shitty he’s been to Adrian. Treating his best friend as garbage was something _he_ chose. At least Deran’s never lied to anyone, not even himself, about that.


	5. Adrian

”You know you sound like every lovesick chick in history, saying they could change a bad boy, right?”  
”Yeah, I guess…”  
”I mean, let’s face it, Adrian. That guy’s a complete asshole.”  
  
Girlfriends are nice and no one’s better than Lez. Her actual name is Elizabeth and the only people calling her Liz as a pet name, are her parents. Friends know her as Lez or – if you’re one of her really close female friends – Lizzard. She’s the best ”grab a coffee on Skype” friend there is, and although Adrian hasn’t really told her who this complete asshole is – discretion, you know – Lez doesn’t have to know any details to be a good support.  
  
”Have you seen him again?”  
”I had a beer at his bar like a week ago.”  
  
Adrian tells her about Frederick with the ugly haircut, the message from Deran and the fact that he actually seems to have changed. Lez just rolls her eyes on the screen.  
  
”Yeah, yeah, of course he’s changed… He’s a psycho.”  
”He’s not.”  
  
Lez looks partly amused, partly exasperated and Adrian sighs.  
  
”Look, normally I’d agree with you on this, because it sounds pathetic, but Deran’s not just a shag. We’ve been friends for years, I know him.”  
”And breaking into your house, beating you up and having your date thrown off a boat are of course just accidents? Jesus, Adrian… Don’t you hear how you sound?”  
”Yeah…”  
”You’re just so used to being treated like shit, you think it’s something wrong when you meet a decent guy.”  
”There’s nothing wrong with Frederick. He’s just fucking boring.”  
”Unlike the creep breaking into your apartment like some kind of predator in the middle of the night? Seriously, Adrian? That kind of behavior doesn’t magically disappear just because he’s out of the closet. Being a closet case doesn’t excuse being an asshole.”  
  
She’s right. Of course she is. Adrian takes a sip of his tea and Lez chuckles.  
  
”What’s so funny?”  
”Damn it, Adrian… You’re still in love with him, right?”  
  
Adrian shrugs. They already know the answer and it wont get any better saying it aloud.


	6. Deran

Considering what time and place he grew up in, he has no good excuses for being so inexperienced. In his teens, sure, but the fear has been there for so long it’s hard to pick a moment when he could’ve let go of it. Also, he’s not had anyone but Adrian to really talk to. Craig is easy to forgive, hell, there’s nothing to forgive at all. He simply thought it was better to just wait for Deran to tell him, instead of trying to force it out. That means Craig probably didn’t suspected anything until later and also didn’t want to snoop.   
  
If Craig knew, then Pope definately did. But he’s been sick a lot and had his own shit to deal with. Also, like Craig, he wouldn’t see the point in bringing the subject up. Besides, Deran knows himself well enough to realise he’d probably just deny it and throw a fit had his brothers brought it up when he was in his teens. But Smurf… She’s his mother and had every fucking opportunity to bring it up. She must’ve known it was more than just missing a friend when Deran walked around like a human rain cloud for weeks after Jody had moved. She has hawk eyes, she knows her boys every secret and the fact that she prefered Deran to be afraid, not only of who he was but of his own family, for years makes the other shit she’s done feel like next to nothing.  
  
It’s not that she had any problems with him being gay. She simply wanted to use his fear to her advantage. Whatever you may think of that, it’s not how a mother should act with her kid. Not even if that kid is Deran Cody. He’s not been a complete asshole all his life, hard as it may be to believe.  
  
_How much do you have to hate yourself to talk like that?  
  
_ A lot. Adrian was right, he just didn’t knew what he was right about. Deran absolutely hates himself, but not because he’s gay. He hates himself because he’s Deran fucking Cody, too weak to stand up for himself and let go of mommy’s tit. Figuratively, thank God. With Smurf Cody it’s not a given it is. The only certainty with Smurf, is that unless she’s the puppeteer, no one gets to play and that’s always been the case. And the strings of fear from being outed, have been very efficiant.   
  
He has a very busy Saturday night in the bar, which is good for more than business. While being occupied with drinks and smalltalk, a couple of minor accidents with dropped glasses and some pukes, it’s much harder for Adrian or Smurf to enter Deran’s thoughts. By closing time, Deran’s nothing but exhausted, feeling like he’s been on for a week and not a day. His head is throbbing, there seem to be a fucking iron string drawn tight around his temples and he sends a prayer of thanks to a god he doesn’t believe in, that it’s Sunday tomorrow, meaning _The Drop_ will be closed.   
  
When he’s all done for the night and crashes on his bed, he’s got prickles before his eyes and there’s a dull ache in his muscles, having nothing to do with being out if shape and everything to do with the despise he feels for himself, for treating Adrian the way he did and the jealousy Deran has no right to feel, but feels anyway.  He falls asleep before he’s aware of how the prickles are fading away to give room for tears.


	7. Adrian

”Honestly, I don’t get that. At _all_.”  
”What?”  
”That!”  
  
Frederick nods far too obivous towards a guy who’s in line for his lunch and Adrian blushes, hoping he wont see his date ogling over him like some kind of redneck.  
  
”What’s wrong with him?”  
”You mean aside from looking like some kind of 70’s hippie?”  
  
Adrian’s lost and he throws a careful glance at the guy in question. Long, dark brown hair down to his waistline. Sunglasses. White tank top and jeans. No batik colours or Jesus sandals. Nothing hippie about him at all.  
  
”Not my type, but he’s pretty cute.”  
”Seriously?”  
  
Frederick sounds like Adrian just named the guy Mr. Universe or something and he raises his eyebrows in a way that’s just smug. When did Adrian’s love life, if that’s the right name for it, become this pathetic? Considering rock bottom is being punched in the face in a public bathroom, it shouldn’t be difficult to do better, but apparently, life likes fucking with him. And he’s sick of Frederick and his assholish way of commenting everything and everyone. At least Deran knew how to shut the fuck up.  
  
”I’ve never understood long hair on guys. I mean, come on, very few actually look good in it.”  
  
Maybe Adrian should just give up this whole dating thing altogether and just focus on his boards? At least they don’t talk shit. He finishes his sandwich.  
  
”Uhm, listen, I gotta get back to the shop now. Had some really messy boards coming in this morning, so…”  
”Yeah, yeah, of course. I have to get back too, you know. Maybe I’ll come by some day.”  
”Sure. That’d be great.”  
  
_Wait. What? Fucks sake, Adrian. Don’t encourage him! You’re already in the mood for murder and it’s just a lunch, you idiot._  
  
But he smiles and accepts a shallow kiss before they part. What the fuck’s wrong with him? Has this thing with Deran just ruined him, or what? Has he become incapable of dating after what Deran did to Dave? No, this has nothing to do with Dave. Adrian liked him a lot and Dave liked him, but it wouldn’t have worked, even if Deran hadn’t sent Pope after him. That’s the truth and Adrian hates that he can’t ignore it. That and the fact he fucking likes Deran’s long hair.


	8. Deran

He’s always told himself he’s not a relationship guy. That’s easy when you’re younger and don’t dare to try and get what you want anyway, but tell yourself you’re content with what you think you’re allowed to have. Looking at it now, it’s kinda pathetic, but at least Deran’s never tried to make himself believe he’s in love with a chick.  
  
Meeting guys in open – or at least as open as Deran’s comfortable with – is like closing a door for good and breathe fresh air again. Hell, he’s been in that fucking closet for fifteen years and he longer he’s been there, the worse the air has become. Adrian never teased him about it, even if he was open himself. He never asked Deran to show anything in the open and the only time he brought that subject up was after Deran had punched him and Adrian said he’d done it to keep it from Smurf. Deran of course denied it.  
  
All the anger and frustration he felt back then, became a lot easier to deal with once he had the bar to focus on. When he finally had a space of his own that had nothing to do with Smurf in any way. He allows himself to look at men. Well, he’s always looked, but now he’s doing it without pretending he doesn’t. This is such a weirdly new area for him and the easiest way getting to know it, is through casual sex. He’s not interested in dating, that’s way out of what he feels comfortable with and as usual in Deran’s case, he re-shapes that discomfort into disinterest.  
  
He’s slowly starting to realise how much he’s missed out on. Belize and Adrian may have been the wake-up call, but had he allowed himself to really ask himself what he wanted, Deran’s pretty sure he’d discovered that before he met Adrian.  
  
Deran’s always kept what happened between them in Belize in a very secluded part of his memory, telling himself he’s not thinking about it because it has no deeper meaning. They had a good time there, that’s it. At least that’s how he’s been able to look at those memories.  
  
_It just happened._  
 _They were drunk and high._  
 _People try weird shit when they’re away from watchful eyes._  
  
Problem is, most of those memories aren’t clouded with booze or drugs. Belize is also lazy mornings in bed with Adrian curled up like a cat in his arms. It’s warm, freckled skin, happy blue eyes and a voice whispering a sleepish _morning, stallion_ , which in all it’s deliberate excess still made Deran feel stupidly proud.  
  
It was also easy to turn Adrian into an exception instead of a fucking fag in Deran’s mind. Since Adrian never pushed or teased him, or expected anything more than Deran was able to give, it felt natural that he wasn’t a ”real” fag. Now as Deran’s out, that particular part of his self-deception is the most pathetic one. It’s bad enough not admitting who you are, but trying to deny that the man you’re fucking is gay even when he admits he is, definately is among the most fucked up lies Deran’s ever tried to tell himself.


	9. Adrian

”So, how did it go?”  
”With what?”  
  
They’ve just come back to shore after the morning waves and things are… normal between them. Like it was before they became something more than just friends. At least they’re both good at pretending it is. Deran’s long hair is wet and drying in the sun and he has something almost reminding of a smile on his lips.  
  
”You know, the guy at the bar.”  
”Oh… Uhm, we’ve had lunch.”  
” _Lunch?_ You visited his mom too?”  
  
Deran sounds teasing and Adrian laughs.  
  
”It was easily among the most boring fortyfive minutes of my life, okay.”  
”He was an asshole?”  
  
The slight hint of satisfaction in Deran’s voice isn’t lost on Adrian and he gives his friend or whatever the fuck he is, a crooked smile.  
  
”Nah, he just had about as much personality as a can of soup. And an ugly haircut.”  
”Didn’t wanna say anything that night, but he kinda looked like a jerk.”  
”Yeah? He didn’t like how you looked either.”  
  
Crap. Why did he say that? Deran looks a bit taken aback and Adrian tries to save the situation.  
  
”He didn’t like longhaired guys.”  
”Good for you.”  
”Yeah, like I’m planning on seeing him again.”  
”You’re not?”  
”Just said he had no personality, man. What about you?”  
”Me?”  
”Yeah. You’re seeing someone?”  
  
It feels strange to actually being able to ask that kind of question and seeing Deran behave all normal. He shrugs, looking a little too indifferent.  
  
”Not really. I’ve had a few… hook-ups, but nothing serious, you know.”  
  
Adrian doesn’t know what to make of this change. On one hand he loves seeing Deran relaxed, but there’s also a small part of Adrian that wants Deran to… well… care.


	10. Deran

Jealousy. He doesn’t have any fucking right to feel that. He shouldn’t be happy about Adrian not seeing that guy anymore. Maybe for Adrian’s sake, because he doesn’t deserve someone who’s boring the hell out of him, but that doesn’t mean he deserves an ass like Deran either.  
  
It’s taken time for the coin to drop. A very long time. Deran isn’t sure when Adrian became something more than a friend. They’d been friends for quite some time before Belize and Deran refused to acknowledge that he may had been looking a little too much at Adrian, perhaps felt just a little bit happier than he should whenever they hooked up to surf and had to swallow hard when Adrian laid down on his back with the wetsuit pulled down to his waiste, to let the sun dry him. How Deran may had noticed the slight bulge under the fabrics and may had to look away quickly, wondering what the hell he thought he was doing, staring at another guy’s crotch like some pervert.  
  
The warning signs had been there before Belize, but it wasn’t until they were far away and drunk enough that they did something about it. The eager, angsty hands, almost violent kisses as if they were all pent-up and had been waiting to do this for a fucking eternity. Deran remembers soft lips, scraping teeth and a glorious fucking mouth like hot silk around his cock. The senses, the colours are still clear and bright from that first time despite the amount of whiskey and weed they’d had. Deran remembers a lot of giggling, once the first desperate moments were over and they relaxed a bit. The musky scent from Adrian’s after shave and the saltstains in his hair.  
  
Yes, it took some fucking time to understand what the hell happened, but Deran knows, has known for a long time now, that he fell in love with Adrian during those five weeks in Belize and never really got over it.   
  
The bar and sleeping with others keep him occupied enough to not get drowned in it, but Adrian nontheless keeps visiting his thoughts and dreams with worrying frequency. Sometimes he’s screaming at Deran, letting everything out, all the shit Deran put him through and in those dreams, Adrian’s face is twisted in disgust. Other nights Deran sees him crouching in the boarder shop, putting his arms up to protect the bruised face. Adrian’s crying in those dreams, a heartbreaking sound Deran wants to stop but can’t. Because Adrian wont let him near and Deran is frozen in spot and can’t move.  
  
When he’s had one of those dreams, Deran wakes up more tired than he was when he went to bed and practically doubles his amount of morning coffee to function. He still sees Adrian every morning when the waves are good and it’s torment. Deran puts on a relaxed face, they’re small talking and Adrian acts like he’s genuinly forgiven Deran which makes it worse. After getting the bar and coming out, it’s somehow much harder to pretend he doesn’t see how good Adrian looks. The blue, warm eyes, all the small freckles and the little smile he for some reason still gives Deran.  
  
The only thing Deran knows for sure, is that no matter what he can’t show even the slightest sign of possessiveness towards Adrian if he wants to keep him as his friend. A friend he doesn’t deserve. Coming out has changed a lot, but not that.


	11. Adrian

He’s not gonna blame himself for being curious. After all, Adrian’s put up with closet Deran for years and it’s no more than fucking fair he gets some of the outed Deran too. Despite what happened at the public restroom and with Dave, Adrian knows it’s not just as simple as Deran being a complete asshole, whatever Lez thinks. That doesn’t mean he’s a good guy in any normal sense, but to be perfectly honest with himself, there were lots of times when Adrian could’ve gone to the cops and filed an anonymous report on both Deran and his entire family, but chose not to. His closest friend is a criminal and that has caused Adrian a lot of worry, but also given him benefits he didn’t think twice about accepting.  
  
The shop wouldn’t be his, wasn’t it for Deran and Smurf and the business goes really well. And although Adrian doesn’t know any details of jobs Deran and his brothers have done, he’s never considered breaking with Deran for that reason. Also, Deran has always kept him as far away from that part of his life as possible, maybe out of loyalty to family or his own security, but Adrian knows him well enough to know there’s also care behind it, strange as it may sound. Of course, non of that can erase the fact that Deran punched him or had Pope throw Dave off a boat, but dammit, Adrian’s a grown man and he knows what kind of guy Deran is. Or was.  
  
With all these pieces put together and the fact that Adrian never really dared to hope Deran could change, it’s no wonder it fascinates him. This Deran-after-coming-out may not be an entirely different person, Adrian’s not so stupid he believes that, but the change is huge.   
  
Adrian’s always been aware of the fear of Smurf and on some level also his brothers, that’s been a part of Deran for probably all his life in one way or another. Being the youngest clearly wasn’t fun all the time and with brothers like Pope, Craig and Baz – yes, he’s lived with them since Deran was a kid, so he counts as some kind of brother – it could be flat out painful. Adrian doesn’t know a lot about it, but during a drunken moment or two, Deran has slipped pieces of how Smurf instead of telling Craig to leave his six, eight, ten or twelve years old baby brother alone, she let them fight until one of them – which meant Deran – gave up and cried from bruises and nose bleed. Only then would she intervene, put some bandaid where it was needed and comfort him.  
  
To this day, Adrian’s still grateful Deran didn’t seem to remember what he’d told him once he became sober, because showing that amount of trust and vulnerability, is about as far from Deran’s mo you can get and Adrian didn’t want to find out what would happen if Deran realised he’d shared that with someone outside family.  
  
Being the youngest, raised in a very secluded family with constant threats from police or other criminals, violence and criminal activities as a normal part of childhood and, on top of that, being gay with absolutely no one to talk to, not even a friend and certainly not brothers who already call you a pussy or a mother who has no boundaries what so ever when it comes to interfer in her son’s private lives, being on the edge has been Deran’s normal state of mind. It’s more than just the fear of being rejected or looked down on for being gay. It’s about keeping at least one thing away from Smurf and create some sort of safe space. And considering how intruding Smurf is, Adrian can’t fault Deran for needing that.


	12. Deran

He can’t seem to remember the guy’s name, not that it matters. Grindr is not exactly a dating app and Deran’s mouth isn’t interesting in terms of speaking. Sucking cock has been a crazy turn-on ever since he first went down on Adrian and judging by the guy’s grunts and the way he tugs at Deran’s hair, he’s pretty good at it.   
  
Deran holds the guy’s hips in a tight, almost bruising grip to keep him from thrusting. He likes the control it gives him, the needy squirms that tells him the guy likes this. _You sucked my cock like a champ and suckerpunched me like a pussy._ Adrian’s words seem to come back to him in the most inconvenient situations, probably because they’re true and because Adrian’s the only person Deran’s ever really listened to outside things concerning the jobs. He’s the one person in the world that can stir up some sense of normal shame inside Deran’s fucked up mind.  
  
The guy pulls out just before he comes all over Deran’s chest with a groan that seems more than a little exaggerated. Not that it matters now. The bar is closed, the building empty and they could both scream fucking walls down should they want to. The guy – the fuck is his name? – is a burly Mexican with blue eyes and giant hands, far softer than Deran would’ve guessed, and at least five inches taller than him. He pulls Deran up from the floor and kisses him hard on the mouth, tasting his own cum.  
  
”You wanna fuck me?”  
  
Deran’s momentarily stunned. He didn’t expect this kind of… Because this guy is… Fuck knows what he thought and he just nods, scrambles to get the bottle of lube he’s keeping in his desk and unzips his pants. He’s been hard for at least half an hour already and almost leaking through his pants while going down on the guy.   
  
Gentle preparation has never been Deran’s strong suit, but he’s a good learner and he’s taking his sweet time fingering, stretching and probing the guy – Daniel, that’s his name! – properly. Since Mark Liston, Deran has become far more comfortable with this part. With Adrian he was always rough, wanted to get over with the prep as fast as possible because apparently it felt less gay having his cock up Adrian’s ass, than his fingers. Exactly how scared has he been? __  
  
You owe me four grand. Four grand. That fucking scared. Deran enters slow, feeling the tight, wet heat clenching around his cock as Daniel lets out a strained breath and Deran stops.  
  
”You okay?”  
”Fuck yeah I’m okay!”  
  
Daniel laughs and Deran smiles as he pushes the whole way in, pulls out and then thrusts hard, eliciting a loud, pleased grunt from the larger guy. Deran clears his mind from Adrian and lets himself be clouded by how good Daniel feels, clenching and releasing like a vice of flesh around his cock.


	13. Adrian

At first, he just assumes Deran’s on a job again, even if he said he wants to quit. Wouldn’t be the first time he’s being persuaded by Craig or Baz. Adrian doesn’t think Smurf has anything to do with it, though. Deran made it pretty clear he’s not working for her anymore and as easy as he’s come back to her in the past, it seems less likely now. But when Adrian’s finished in the shop for the day and passes by The Drop, it’s closed. Which it definately shouldn’t be on a Friday night.  
  
Deran’s always been wayward and chances are he’s just decided to keep it closed for a night and go partying with his brothers somewhere. Or doing a job. But Deran’s not stupid just because he takes risks. There should be a note on this door or something. Things don’t feel any better when Craig suddenly turns up, looking unusually clear-headed.  
  
”Yo, Adrian. Have you seen my idiot brother?”  
”No.”  
”Weird. Haven’t seen him since yesterday and he’s not answering his phone. His car and board are still here too.”  
”Maybe he’s just… I don’t know… hooked up with someone?”  
”Yeah, probably, but it’s not like he’s the breakfast in bed guy.”  
  
Adrian smirks.   
  
”No shit?”  
  
Craig smiles too. Adrian suspects he’s known about him and Deran for quite some time.   
  
”Well, if you see him or he shows up in your shop, tell him I’m looking for him, okay?”  
”Sure.”  
”Cool. See you around.”  
”Yeah.”  
  
Craig starts leaving and Adrian bites his lip.  
  
”Uhm, when he shows up, could you ask him to just… you know, text me?”  
”Yeah, of course. He’s probably just taken some shitty speed and passed out somewhere.”  
”Yeah, probably.”  
  
They part and Adrian doesn’t know where to go except to the beach. He’s used to this. Deran is not exactly a regular person, but the bar is important to him and he’s worked really hard. He _is_ working really hard so no, this is not Deran being Deran, just throwing himself into some bullshit for some action. The Drop means much more to him than just making money and that’s why Adrian gets a very uncomfortable feeling in his stomach when he comes down to the beach and Deran’s nowhere to be found.


	14. Deran

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Trigger Warning here. Just read the tags, I don't want to give the chapter away.

”Hey, shut the fuck up and get the hell out.”  
  
An almost gentle push and Deran’s on the road. The door is closed behind him and the car leaves. The whimpers he’s tried to muffle turns into violent sobs once he’s alone. No one can see or hear him on this by-road and it’s already dark.  
  
Every move hurts, he knows he probably looks like a fucking wreck and only a blind person would miss what’s happened to him. Deran lies still and cries as his body screams. He doesn’t have to check to know he’s bleeding and the only coherant thought besides the pointless efforts to stop sobbing, is how fucking stupid he is and if he will need stitches.  
  
He can’t make it back from here, not on his own. He’s far away from town and calling a cab or Craig is out of the question. Also, he’s not even sure if he still has his phone. He carefully puts a hand in his pocket. Thank God. The glass is broken and the battery almost dead, but he can make a call and without really knowing why, he chooses Pope. After some long, agonizing signals, the slow, calm voice of his oldest brother reaches him.  
  
”Deran, where are you?”  
”You alone?”  
”Yeah, I’m… I’m home. What’s happened, man, Craig’s been looking everywhere for you.”  
”Can… can you pick me up? And I… fuck… can you please not tell anyone?”  
”Yeah, of course, but what’s happened? Where are you?”  
”Uhm… I don’t really know, man. Somewhere out of town.”  
”You’ve been shot or cut?”  
”No, but… Please, come and get me.”  
”Look, you have enough battery left? On your phone.”  
  
Deran looks at it.  
  
”Yeah, I think so.”  
”Good. Just send your location to my phone, okay? I’ll call you back in five.”  
”Okay. Don’t tell Smurf. Or anyone.”  
”I wont.”  
”And bring something for pain. The strongest shit you’ve got. I don’t care what it is as long as it works.”  
”I will. Stay where you are and try to stay calm. I’m on my way.”  
  
Calm. Right. Hearing Pope’s voice is calming. When they hang up, Deran sees like ten missed calls from Adrian and he looses what little calm he’s got left and cries in the bend of his arm.


	15. Adrian

”I don’t know, man, Pope called me.”  
”You didn’t talk to Deran?”  
”No, but he’s with him.”  
  
Adrian sighs but the tension he was barely aware of eases a little from Craig’s words.  
  
”Mexico? Are you sure?”  
”Yeah, you know my stupid brother. Took off to Belize with you without a word, didn’t he?”  
  
But that was planned. Well, as planned as a trip with Deran Cody could be. He takes stupid risks, nothing new about that, but Craig simply sounds way too calm and Adrian realises he’s probably a bit high. But at least Deran’s okay. Well, Adrian doesn’t know that, really, but Pope would’ve told Craig if something had happened. Wouldn’t he? It’s fucking obvious Deran’s not in Mexico, only Craig could be dumb enough to believe that. How fucking high is he? Adrian realises he’s clenching his fists.  
  
”Give me Pope’s number.”  
”Look, calm down, man. Deran’s an idiot, okay, and…”  
”Just give me the number, Craig!”  
”Jesus…”  
  
Craig, the slow bastard, takes his time remembering his brother’s number and Adrian writes it down, feeling less and less patient. He finishes the call quickly and dials the number. To his great relief, Pope answers. At least Craig has some brain function left.  
  
”Yeah?”  
”Pope, it’s Adrian.”  
”Oh… Hi.”  
”Is Deran with you?”  
”Yeah.”  
”Can I talk to him?”  
”Uhm… I don’t think… It’s not a good timing, Adrian.”  
”Is he alright?”  
”Yeah… yeah, he’s fine. Just had an accident with… the car. Flat tire.”  
  
Adrian groans in silence. The Cody brothers are good fucking liars and this is just pathetic. Something’s happened to Deran. Call it intuition or what you like, but Adrian knows something’s not right. He can hear voices in the background, speaking in Spanish. Are they really…? No, he needs to calm down, but wherever Deran is, it’s not on a fucking road with a flat tire.   
  
”Are you at a hospital?”  
”Yeah… sorta.”  
”Pope, just tell me how he’s doing.”  
”Don’t worry about him, alright? Adrian, we’ll be home soon and I’ll tell Deran you called. Okay? Trust me, he’s fine.”  
  
Yeah, that’s the problem. Pope’s idea of fine isn’t exactly the same as Adrian’s. But at least Deran’s not alone. Adrian swallows hard.  
  
”Please, just tell him I called. Tell him I…”  
”I know, Adrian. I’m not stupid, you know. I gotta go now, but we’ll talk later.”  
”Yeah…”  
”Bye.”  
”Bye.”  
  
Adrian sinks down on Craig’s couch, not realising until now he’s shaking. What’s the matter with him? It’s not as if Deran’s not been away doing stupid ass shit before. He’s gotten himself hurt more times than Adrian cares to remember and always ended up fine. Pope on the other hand is crazy in his own way, but as he said himself, he’s not stupid. Whatever’s happened to Deran, Adrian’s grateful Pope’s with him.


	16. Deran

_How much do you have to hate yourself to talk like that?_  
_I don’t hate myself._  
  
He doesn’t hate himself. He doesn’t… He… A too sharp breath shatters the world and he throws up again. One of Pope’s hands is holding a plastic bag under his mouth, the other one’s in his hair. Safe, soothing.  
  
”I’m here, Deran. Don’t worry, man, I’m here.”  
”Where are we?”  
”A private clinic.”  
  
Clinic? No hospital, nor some backyard quack then. Thank God. Deran opens his eyes and looks at his brothers calm face. Pope somehow always looks like he’s partly off and not really there. Deran sometimes wonders what he’s actually seeing. What he does know, is that Pope will take this to his grave if Deran asks him to. He feels dizzy and sick, but feels no pain.  
  
”How long have I been out?”  
”Some hours. They’ve… fixed you. Just have to rest now, okay. Pumped you pretty full with painkillers and stes. You in pain?”  
”No.”  
”Well, you shouldn’t be with that doze. Jesus, Deran… I’m so sorry.”  
  
Deran is confused. Why’s Pope sorry? He came to help, he shouldn’t be sorry. Deran tries to snort, but it sounds pretty pathetic.  
  
”What’ve you got to be sorry about, man? Came to help me, didn’t you?”  
”You know who did it?”  
”An asshole. Beat me up, robbed and ditched me.”  
  
Lying is so natural to him, he doesn’t hear how stupid this one sounds right now. Pope doesn’t expose the lie, just looks at him with his usual concern and Deran looks away.  
  
”When uhm… when can we get back?”  
”Tomorrow. Adrian called by the way.”  
”The fuck did he want?”  
  
He sounds more indifferent than he is, despite his condition and Pope just raises his eyebrows.  
  
”Smurf doesn’t know and Baz is blind to anyone but himself, but I’m not and nor is Craig. Always figured you were a bit more than just buddies. He was worried as hell.”  
”We’re just friends.”  
”That means he can’t get worried?”  
  
Deran has no energy to talk about this. He doesn’t want to talk about, or think of Adrian at all. As soon as he can get back, he’ll just try and forget about all this, focusing on the bar and nothing else. Sex is off, Grindr is definately off and he’ll have to work for two to catch up on wasted time. And in the meantime, he’ll come up with some fitting revenge on David or Daniel or whatever the fuck that piece of shit is called. 


	17. Adrian

There has been a time when Adrian wanted for Deran to have a taste of his own shit. Especially after what he did to Dave. He may not have thrown him off the boat himself, but he did send someone, purely out of petty jealousy despite the fact that the growing distance between him and Adrian, was Deran’s own fault. Adrian hasn’t seen Dave for a long time, but they have each other on Facebook and the guy is all healed now and has a boyfriend. And from the sappy smiles on the pics, his new boyfriend doesn’t seem to have some crazy ass exes running after them.  
  
Deran being out, away from Smurf, dating and being so much more relaxed is doing magic for his temper and the way he treats other people – and himself. There’s been a calm in his behavior Adrian’s never seen before, not even in Belize. With another guy, Adrian would’ve taken the lack of visible remorse and guilt as a major warning sign, but judging Deran by a normal scale, doesn’t work. You’ve gotta see him from where he came, where he’s been and above all who he’s been up until very recently. Adrian fell in love with that guy, with all his flaws, and it’s been like a poorly performed ”don’t fall for the bad guy, oh shit I fell for him anyway” show.   
  
That, along with the kind of family Deran has and the life he lives, should be enough for any guy with some sort of self-preservation to stay away. That’s what Lez meant and she’s right. Or should’ve been if Deran also didn’t happen to be Adrian’s best friend. Family bonds are hard to break, but so are those coming from friendship. Maybe that’s why it took long moments just to move from Craig’s couch, why he felt dizzy and strangely heavy in his steps as he went back to his car. Maybe it’s because of this unhealthy bond Adrian had to wait until he’d stopped trembling before he could turn the car key and maybe whatever the fuck you should call the unity between them, is what’s causing him to start crying like a hysterical toddler the moment he steps into his apartment.  
  
Adrian doesn’t really know what’s happened to Deran, he’s just suddenly tremendously relieved Deran’s at a hospital – sorta’ – and that Pope’s with him. Pope is fucked in his own way, all the Cody’s are, but at least you can trust him not to get distracted by nearest girl or some shitty speed. He wont leave Deran’s side even if Deran demanded him to and that’s a very comforting thought.   
  
He’s body is screaming from the tension he’s barely been aware of. He’s not felt this on edge since what happened to Dave and this somehow feels ten times worse, but why? It’s over between him and Deran and that’s good. They can’t live on old friendship, some weeks in Belize and what they had before Deran’s nephew walked in on them. Deran’s never hurt Adrian before that and certainly not went after any of his friends or dates. They’ve never been exclusive and even Deran hasn’t been so deep in denial he didn’t know that Adrian fully understood why he felt the need to hook up with girls, despite not wanting to. The change he’s shown, both towards Adrian and Smurf, how he’s made a serious effort to get a better life without using others as tools or toys, is the change Adrian had stopped hoping for a long time ago and that’s why he’s crying.   
  
Deran is a reckless, selfish, violent and possessive ass, but also shown he can and want to change. And yes, if you’re looking at him with the eyes of a decent society, of course it’s easy to think Deran deserves whatever happened to him and more. That leaving Adrian – and his potential lovers – alone, working hard with the closest thing to an honest living he’s ever had, even paying fucking taxes and shit, being out of the closet and away from Smurf, in his own weird way trying to appologies to Adrian by not trying to get back with – or on – him…   
  
Adrian’s crying because he’s not fucking society or a saint. Because whatever they had, how badly Deran hurt him and how much despise he deserves for that, Adrian simply can’t make himself feel something he doesn’t. 


	18. Deran

”Shit…”  
”What is it?”  
”This wont be enough… Fuck!”  
”For what?”  
”Gotta work tomorrow, man.”  
”No, you’re not.”  
  
Pope is driving in his usual calm way, looking like there’s nothing to discuss and Deran clenches his fists. He’s laying in the backseat and he’s in pain again, not to mention completely whacked out and desperate for distraction.  
  
”I can’t afford keeping the bar closed.”  
”Heather and Craig are at it, don’t worry.”  
”Craig doesn’t know shit about bartending and he’ll end up snorting coke from Nicki’s ass on the toilet.”  
”He wont.”  
”Have you forgotten who we’re talking about?”  
”I havent and I also threatened to beat the shit out of him if he dragged Nicki there. And some other things… It’s cool, Deran, and he knows how much that bar means to you. He’s taking it serious, I promise. And if he doesn’t, Heather will tell us and then I make sure he regrets it.”  
  
Deran tries to find another protest, but he closes his mouth and sighs. He can’t work right now, of course he can’t. Just sitting up and trying to act like his ass didn’t scream bloody murder while passing the border was a gruesome experience and it’s probably just as well he doesn’t remember how Pope made it _in_ to Mexico with him.  
  
”I’m taking you back to my place. If you want to get back on your feet as soon as possible, I suggest you let me handle things.”  
”You’re gonna go Smurf on me?”  
  
Pope almost smiles.  
  
”Don’t worry, baby bro. Just because I’m crazy I aint _her_.”  
  
Deran smiles too, despite the pain and worry. Being the youngest has meant being forced to switch between the roles of a punchbag and coddled kid. Deran and his brothers have never had what you can call a normal or healthy relationship. Smurf made sure of that. But they care about each other, in their own fucked up way. And the more he thinks about it, Deran realises Pope’s flat probably is the best place to be right now.  
  
No one, especially not Adrian, can see Deran right now. Not until he’s sure it doesn’t show.


	19. Adrian

It feels very strange seeing Pope in the shop. Adrian takes his goggles off and Pope looks like he’s not sure if he should be here. Adrian, who’s had a couple of days to at least let go of the worst worry, honestly doesn’t feel very happy to see him. He’s not forgotten that Pope threw Dave overboard, something he didn’t think about when he was going half mad of worry for his assholish friend.  
  
”He’s back?”  
”Yeah. Was a pretty bad accident.”  
”You mean _flat tire_?”  
  
He knows he’s not sounding very nice, but Adrian’s done pretending he’s swallowing anymore lies from the Cody’s, no matter how relieved he is that Deran didn’t get himself killed. He nails Pope with his eyes.  
  
”You’re gonna tell me what really happened?”  
”No.”  
”Then what are you doing here?”  
”I’m not telling because it’s not my thing to tell, Adrian. He’s staying with me for some days. Craig and that girl, Deran’s bartender, are taking care of the bar.”  
  
Okay, this doesn’t sound like Deran going on a bad trip and ending up in a stupid fight, breaking some ribs or doing his usual reckless shit. The Deran Adrian knows, should show up, pissed as hell and not for a fucking moment show himself weak or hide some cracked ribs and bruises. At least that’s what Adrian thinks he would do. On the other hand, Deran’s showed another side for some time now, even showing up at the shop with a lame excuse about a broken board just to ask Adrian to come over. The old Deran would’ve waited until they ran in on each other by accident and act like he didn’t care at all.  
  
Pope gets an almost soft glance in his perpetually calm eyes.  
  
”Hey, don’t worry about him, okay?”  
”Easier said than done.”  
  
For some reason Adrian doesn’t care if he’s revealing too much about how close him and Deran are. Or have been. Fuck, he doesn’t know anymore. What’s close when it comes to Deran Cody?  
  
”Look, Adrian, I’m here because he asked me to. He specifically asked me to tell you not to worry. You, no one else, not even Craig. He only mentioned you.”  
  
Adrian swallows. Deran has made him do a lot of things he didn’t want to. Like keeping his lovelife, if you can call it that, in the shadows, showing up at parties he didn’t want to attend to in the first place and overall just accepting that whatever they had, it had to be on Deran’s terms. Adrian’s done with that and he puts his goggles back.  
  
”You tell him I worry as much as I fucking want to, until I see him walking straight.”  
”Since when is my stupid brother straight?”  
  
Pope’s almost invisible smile is the last Adrian sees before Deran’s oldest brother leaves the shop, as discreet as he showed up, leaving Adrian a bit more relieved but also more confused. He needs to put an end to all this stupid ass caring.


	20. Deran

The night is still clouded. Deran can’t really remember when the sex turned into something he didn’t want. He remembers closing the bar and leaving with the guy but not where they went or why they didn’t just stay in his place. He remembers some damn good weed and rough hands that were just on the good side of pain. At first. Because at some point, it stopped being fun, turned ugly and painful. Damn painful.  
  
He’s turning very carefully in his bed. Well, Pope’s bed. His quiet brother has taken to a mattress on the floor and the silent company is somehow calming. He came back from Adrian with words pretty much saying Adrian didn’t give a shit about what Deran told him to do or not. He’d worry anyway. Deran swallows hard, he can hear Pope’s still awake.  
  
”What did you tell him?”  
”That you had an accident.”  
”And he believed you?”  
”Of course not.”  
  
Deran swallows.  
  
”He’s mad?”  
  
Pope snorts, a very unusual sound coming from him.  
  
”Mad? He’s _scared_ , Deran.”  
”Why?”  
  
Deran’s honestly confused and Pope just shakes his head.  
  
”Don’t tell me you’re so stupid you think he’s stopped caring just because you’re not fucking anymore? Jesus… He’d been crying, that was pretty obvious. Had red eyes.”  
  
Adrian? Crying? Crying because Deran got injured? What the fuck… Deran looks away.  
  
”He’s working with chemicals, you idiot. He always get red eyes in that fucking shop.”  
”If you say so.You’re the one who knows him.”  
  
And Pope will believe his own eyes, yes, Deran knows that. But he’s keeping Smurf away and made sure Craig’s taking care of the bar, so right now Pope can believe whatever he wants about Deran and Adrian. If he expects some kind of love confession about Adrian from Deran right now, just because he knows more than Deran’s ever given him credit for, he’ll be disappointed. There’s nothing to say and if there was, it’s not for Pope’s or anyone else’s ears anyway.


	21. Adrian

”Adrian! Wait!”  
  
Fuck. Adrian puts the key back in his pocket and turns around.   
  
”Hey, Frederick.”  
  
The guy looks more than a little angry and Adrian can’t blame him.   
  
”Frederick, I’m…”  
”Sorry? Been busy? Had a lot to think about?”  
  
Adrian sighs.  
  
”All three.”  
”And instead of picking up the phone and tell me, you just chose to be a giant ass, huh?”  
”I… I’ve… A friend of mine went missing, alright. I’ve been busy worrying and trying to catch up on my work.”  
”A _friend_?”  
” _Yes._ ”  
  
He’s had enough of this. Of Deran, his brothers, Frederick’s stupid haircut and way of boring the hell out of him. Adrian is obviously fucking incapable of dating normal guys. Why does he have to either pick an asshole, someone who said asshole will scare off or someone who’s so boring Adrian starts longing for anything but normal again? Frederick gives him a frustrated look.  
  
”That it? You’re not gonna explain or anything?”  
  
What’s there to explain? Adrian just wants to get home. Had he not lingered at the shop to finish an order, he’d been off before Frederick dropped by. Adrian weighs the keys in his hand.  
  
”Look, man, this aint gonna work.”  
”Really? No shit…”  
”Frederick I…”  
”Yeah, you’re sorry, I heard. And don’t worry, it’s not as if I’ve been laying sleepless because of you. We’re not _exclusive_ , you know, but you still could’ve picked that fucking phone up.”  
”I know, I just… I’m sorry, man.”  
  
He’s got nothing better to say and Frederick sure as hell aint pleased with that. He sneers, which just makes his ugly haircut look even more stupid.  
  
”You know, you’re not that good a fuck. Have fun with whoever the cunt is.”  
  
And with that, he leaves and Adrian just stands still, looking as his very normal, sound and decent shag leaves, before turning around and lock the door to the shop. He’s not sure if he’s mostly ashamed or relieved.


	22. Deran

Pope hates meds himself, but he’s still a pretty damn good ”druggist”. No wonder, he’s been on and off lots of meds since his teens and would know way better than most people what works and what doesn’t. Deran doesn’t care what his brother gives him, as long as it works and it does. At some point, Pope’s been over to Deran’s place, getting some clean clothes for him and after three days in Pope’s bed, Deran’s finally able to stand again.  
  
He takes a few careful steps, the world is still spinning a bit, but then he finds his balance and slowly manages to get to the shower. Pope’s probably not at home, which Deran is grateful for. He feels like absolute shit and the only thing he wants right now is to fresh up and get dressed. He grabs a clean towel from a shelf and makes it to the shower cabin, turns the water on and then sinks down to his knees, crying until he’s empty and get squeeze another sob out of him. He’d like to tell himself it feels better, but it doesn’t. Only slightly less bad.  
  
It doesn’t make it any better, that Deran’s mind is consistently wandering off to Adrian. He’s been worried about Deran. Despite all that happened between them, Adrian still cares. Deran doesn’t know if he’s relieved or not. They’re friends again, Adrian wouldn’t have taken that beer with him, wouldn’t have smiled like he did if he’d not forgiven Deran for the punch, the broken window and the thing with Dave. Adrian is, to quote Craig of all persons, a good guy. Too fucking good for someone like Deran and Adrian damn well shouldn’t give a shit about what happens to him.  
  
_How much do you have to hate yourself to talk like that?_  
  
I don't hate myself , okay....I'm just not...I'm not like you.  
  
Adrian is kind, gentle and caring. Deran’s not. He’s a selfish, immature asshole who treated his best friend like shit for a long fucking time, rather than just admit he was in love with him.  
  
The cool water from the shower makes Deran feel slightly less gross and he grabs Pope’s combined shampoo and shower gel like it’s a weapon or a tool and starts washing himself.  
  
_This has to stop._  
  
I’ll fix your window, alright?  
  
_No, it’s not about the window._  
  
But it is. It’s got everything to do with the window, with Dave, with the punch in the restroom, Deran making out with a chick on that fucking party and fifteen years of fear. Had Deran not been so fucking stupid, such an asshole, he’d never thrown that punch and _this_ would never have happened. Deran rarely regrets things he can’t change, but there’s an exception to every rule.


	23. Adrian

It takes a whole week before he sees him again. They’ve texted each other, just short messages where Deran says he’s okay but has to rest some more and Adrian responding with things like _take care_ and _let me know when you’re back on the board again_. There’s nothing pushy, neither hesitating in the messages. Deran doesn’t ask Adrian to come over to Pope’s place and Adrian doesn’t ask to – or asks what happened. Now as he knows Deran at least isn’t laying in a ditch somewhere, it feels a lot better and Adrian goes on doing his usual stuff. Almost.  
  
He doesn’t date or even flirt and most of the time it feels like he’s just doing things automatically. Like he’s not really there. Old flames die hard, as Adrian’s late grandmother used to say, but Adrian’s not in love with Deran. He never was.  
  
_Damn it, Adrian… You’re still in love with him, right?_  
  
How the hell do you define this kind of relationship anyway? What he had with Deran was always a roller coaster and it’s only since Adrian told him Deran couldn’t make him feel something he didn’t, as he’s had some peace of mind. Once Deran knew Adrian didn’t want what they had anymore, he stepped back completely and that’s why Lez, for once, is wrong. Deran doesn’t relish in control over others unless Smurf or someone else is controlling _him_. And an explanation isn’t the same as an excuse, just as forgiveness isn’t equal to letting someone trample you down.  
  
It’s after busniess hours but he’s busy in the shop when Deran shows up. A knock on the door and Adrian looks up from the board he’s currently working on. His friend is standing in the doorway, as if he’s not sure he’s wanted there. Badly bruised face, a cut on the lower lip and the long, blonde hair hanging loose to cover up at least some part of the damage. Adrian takes his goggles off.  
  
”Jesus…”  
  
Deran just shrugs and Adrian can’t help himself. He leaves the board and puts his arms around his friend’s tense shoulders, pulling him close carefully not to touch the face. Deran’s breathing is very strained and Adrian simply holds him, lets him lean onto him as Adrian buries his nose in the space between Deran’s neck and shirt collar. His friend smells from soap but not the ocean and he’s more tense than he was even when they crossed the line of just friendship the first time.  
  
Adrian has so many questions, but this is not the right time for them. Or any talking. It takes a while before Adrian realises Deran’s trying not to cry, fighting to keep some control over the situation and Adrian breaks the hug to give him space, but keeps his hands around Deran’s neck, just brushing the skin lightly as a way of telling his sore body Adrian’s really here. Deran breathes hard.  
  
”Can… Uhm… You have any plans tonight?”  
”I have now.”


	24. Deran

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey readers! Just a little reminder: if you're commenting, don't write any potential spoilers of this weeks episode because I wont be able to see it until tomorrow morning CEST. Let's hold our hopes up for our angsty boys <3

He’s not been inside Adrian’s place since… Well, since he broke into it and had a pent-up fuck. For obvious reasons, he’s kept away since the night he acted like an ass at the party and then went over to, in his own fucked up way, try and make things right. Which of course wasn’t even close to anything ”right”. The only good thing he did that time was to walk away when Adrian made it clear he didn’t want him there.   
  
The small place is tidy and feels far more homey than Deran’s room back at the bar. Adrian makes tea and they curl up on his couch, with a bit distance between them.   
  
”You wanna talk about it?”  
  
No, absoutely fucking not. That’s the problem. Not talking, refusing to address anything even remotely sensitive about himself has always been the issue and now as there is something Deran more than anything wants to forget about and not mention to any living soul, he also knows if he’s to have any chance to repair anything more of this friendship, he can’t continue to lie. But he can’t tell the truth either.   
  
”I… Not now, man. I don’t… fuck, this is…”  
”Okay. You don’t have to.”  
  
The calm. Adrian’s kind, strong voice, so different from Smurf’s or anyone elses. It’s not intruding, it waits. And Deran’s breaking. It’s like a bad cliché, crying over a chipped mug of tea on a friend’s couch, warm and sticky tears making their way down the miscoloured skin, the beard. Adrian’s there, immediately but not rushed, putting their mugs away on the sidetable and then carefully wrapping his arms around him.  
  
It’s not the touch of a lover, boyfriend or lay – whatever they were to each other – but one of a friend. Not a buddy, but a true fucking friend. What they have goes way back and Deran knows he’s got no right to any gentleness from Adrian after all he’s done to him, but the touch is irresistable, reminding Deran of sweetness having nothing to do with sex and everything to do with comfort. Safety even. And also surfing embers and managing not stumble and get burned, making it to land only to get splashed up on shores in flames.   
  
”Stay the night.”  
  
Adrian’s not asking _if_ he will stay. _You want to stay the night? Are you staying?_ He’s asking him _to_ stay and that’s another thing. The soft fabric in Adrian’s shirt bares just the right scent and Deran can feel his friend’s mouth in his hair. There’s a voice telling him he doesn’t deserve this, that he should leave Adrian alone but Deran isn’t listening. All he wants is to stay like this, not remembering anything that’s happened or thinking of anything that could.


	25. Adrian

He’s guessing. In silence, but still. Growing up together makes you see things others don’t. Almost invisible moves and looks. There’s more to the thing they have – had – than Belize. Always has been and non of them needs to put words to it. Some things you just know. Some things you know, you wish you didn’t.  
  
They’re laying on Adrian’s bed, not in that tangled pile of naked flesh they used to, but close. Still dressed. Deran’s the one in need of comfort, but Adrian’s laying on his arm, like it’s the other way around. He can feel his friend’s mouth in his hair and the tears have dried, now there’s only occasional, dry sobs left Deran’s trying to muffle. A movie is running on the computor, just for background, to not make the silence so fucking loud.  
  
Adrian guesses this is about something else than the usual shit Deran used to end up doing. He’s clearly been hurt and in a way that isn’t easily forgotten or healed. It’s not about Smurf or his brothers, it’s not business or a job going wrong. It’s way more personal. Adrian strokes Deran’s shoulders, it’s a circling, comforting touch, meant to calm but it makes Adrian’s heart speed up. Old love dies hard, it’s said. Love. What if this is just old habits? How much bullshit can you deal with in the now, when almost every sweet moment belongs to the past?  
   
”I’m so sorry, Adrian… For all the… all the shit I did.”  
  
Deran sounds like he’s actually meaning it. Not that Adrian thought he was incapable of remorse, but this is definately not Deran’s style. And still, it feels so genuine. Adrian moves to tangle a hand in the long hair.  
  
”I know.”  
  
He swallows.  
  
”It’s all forgiven, Deran. I was… angry and sad and I don’t know all for a long time, but I wouldn’t have shown up the night, when you opened the bar, unless I’d… It was a fucking sick thing you did and if I thought you’d do it again I wouldn’t have come by that night. Wouldn’t be here now…”  
”Treated you like shit…”  
”Not all the time.”  
  
Definately not. The good moments, even after Belize, are far more than the shitty ones. And it’s never easy to fall in love with your best friend. Especially not when he’s your first love. It’s not as if they’ve not had others. The bond between them has never had a clear label. It would’ve been so much easier if this had been just about sex, or friendship or a crush. Problem is, it’s all three and the lines have never been clear. Love never is, whatever form it takes.


	26. Deran

He’s never been a romantic person. Not in the way his brothers are. Craig and Pope are the kind of guys who used to fall in love with one girl or another and try to act indifferent when it was clear for everyone they’d ”caught it bad again”, as Baz used to call it. Romance, for Deran, has been equal to doing stupid ass things with girls, shifting between acting indifferent and getting goofy and pathetic in Craig’s case, or just watching in a creepy way from distance in Pope’s. It’s stupid Hollywood movie lies, commercials to sell chocolate and simply something Deran’s never wanted anything to do with.  
  
He’s not went out with Adrian, or anyone for that matter. Deran doesn’t know shit about serious dating, not even with chics. Anything connected with something even close to that, belongs to Belize. When no one saw, Deran could be sweet to Adrian. He remembers how playful wrestling and fights in the water, pushing each other off the boards and dragging themselves down he surface before going up for air again, became something frequent. A little too frequent for friends.  
  
The memories are much clearer now, as the veil of denial is gone. Because what Deran feels for Adrian goes further back than he’s been able to admit. It’s been easier to accept that he’s looked at guys before anything really happened between them. Once he was out, he was really out and the memories allowed to be what they really were. It would’ve been easy just to put Adrian in the box of warning signs. The ”when I should’ve realised I was gay” box. Adrian was his first and your first love should be exactly that. The _first_ , since it will pass and then there will be others. It’s not supposed to last.  
  
Adrian’s fingernails are scraping Deran’s scalp softly. When was the last time someone did that? Someone Deran actually wanted to. No one, not since Belize. _Belize…_ Always that fucking Belize like a giant shadow over them. The fixed idea he’s carried around for so long, that _after_ Belize was equal to keep it locked up and hidden. Some far away fun that had to be protected at all costs, because looking at it now it was never simple. How they were moving closer and closer while those raised heartbeats took over until Deran couldn’t tell which ones were ringing louder in his ears.  
  
In one way or another, he will always love this man and not even when it mattered, not once, did he tell him. Now it’s too late. Maybe it was too late the day the left Belize. Long before he learned how it felt when something that was supposed to be a one time thing, something for fun and nothing else, refused to stay in place. How Adrian went from a close friend to a shock to Deran’s system, nailing what he’d tried to tell himself he didn’t want.  
  
”I should’ve… Earlier, when we… I fucked up so badly… I…”  
  
Soft lips. Deran remembers how he once though that a guy isn’t supposed to feel that soft. How he was prepared for hard edges that never came and how it confused him, made him uncomfortable and so Adrian, once they were back from Belize, learned to be rough. Delicate things need a hard shell to protect them. Adrian’s lips never turned hard. They’re still soft, like he never felt the need to harden. After all that time, all the shit that happened, they still taste the same.


	27. Adrian

Deran is scared and his way of showing fear has been by turning distant and rough. By not letting Adrian near, or even get violent. When coming to think about it, Deran has been afraid more or less as long as they’ve known each other. Of course, everyone is afraid of some things, but the kind of fear Deran grew up with is different. Crimes, preparations for the worst, constantly being ready to pack up and leave are as natural parts of his childhood as sports, cartoons and fearing monsters in under the bed were for others. There is nothing normal to go back to, no state where fear wasn’t as natural as breathing, because there never was anything even remotely normal to begin with.  
  
The soft lips with the beard scraping around them, taste so very much like Deran it’s as if their long break from each other, the huge distance, shrinks into nothing. It’s familiar, yet still new. They’re the same but also changed. Deran hasn’t kissed him since that night after the disastrous party and Adrian remembers being scared, holding his arms up as a defence, on instinct. How sick he was of it all, how the kiss was intrusive and confused. Afterwards, when Deran had left and Adrian to his huge surprise was left alone in every way, looking back at it, the kiss felt more desperate than demanding. This kiss is neither. It’s tense, but soft. Searching.  
  
Adrian’s body reacts the only way it ever has to Deran’s kisses and his friend is freezing on spot. Adrian creates a little distance and looks right into the worried eyes.  
  
”Deran… look at me.”  
  
Angsty blue. Tangled blond. Adrian strokes his thumb over Deran’s cheek.  
  
”We’re not gonna… do anything else but sleeping.”  
  
Sharp breath, but Adrian cups Deran’s chin, keeping their eyes connected.  
  
”It’s alright, man.”  
  
No, it’s not. It’s really not and they both know that. Deran is so tense his body feels like a living statue and Adrian takes a risk.  
  
”Even if you’re not telling me what happened, I… Look, I’m not saying I know or understand, ’cause I don’t, but I’m not stupid. Whatever happened, it’s pretty obvious to me it was really bad and I’m not gonna push you about it, just… You’re not alone.”  
  
This is where Deran will answer with a sneer, some harsh and scornful words about Adrian being a fucking faggot pussy who should grow some balls. This is where the cold and distance will fall between them like a relentless wall and Deran will say in an icy voice that he doesn’t know what Adrian’s talking about. That’s how it would’ve been some months ago, but now, there’s a small, worried nod and closed eyes, head bent down into the crook of Adrian’s neck. A sigh. Maybe even, if you look closely, relief.


	28. Deran

_Nice guys don’t get to score_. Who said that and when? Craig? Baz? Not Pope, that’s for sure. Deran’s been with his fair share of chics, not that he ever really liked it very much. And the girls he slept with were girls coming to his older brother’s parties, when Deran was still too young to throw a cool party of his own. Besides, it was always easier just to go along with what Pope, Craig and Baz decided. Get wasted and high, do some stupid, reckless shit to get a kick or just show off. _Don’t be a fucking faggot pussy, Deran.  
  
_ Deran doesn’t really remember his first girl. Only that it wasn’t on his initiative, he was still too shy with that in his teens, and the whole thing was quite disappointing. And that being _nice_ wasn’t something good. So how do you find out what you actually want, when you’re already told what you shouldn’t want before you’ve had a chance to ask yourself?  
  
Adrian is just that. Nice. He’s funny, smart, good looking, sexy, good in bed… And nice. Sweet, caring and so far from macho one could be. Adrian is the kind of guy who will genuinly laugh at your bad jokes, remember how you like your coffee and give you goodnight kisses. If you let him. Belize isn’t just sex and waves, but cuddling. Of course, Deran did his best to pretend that didn’t happen, or at least wasn’t that important. Fucking a guy is bad enough. When you want to hold him close just to feel his body pressed to you, bury your nose in his hair and nibble his neck, tracing his spine with your lips, it has become something else. Something worse.  
  
”You’re thinking so hard I can see smoke…”  
  
Adrian’s voice sounds sleepish, like he’s already drifting away. Deran doesn’t want him to fall asleep, not before he does. He can feel the soothing hand stroking in circles over his shoulders, they’re facing each other but Adrian’s face is bent into Deran’s chest, his breath warming the skin through the fabrics, his neck having that soft, gentle bow from their time in Belize. Deran used to wake up seeing that neck, feel the warmth, the softness as he brushed his lips over the skin before Adrian woke up and found out.   
  
But of course he knew all the time. Deran’s soft side was never a secret to him, but he still let Deran think it was. It was always, _always_ something more than fucking, more than simple fun between them. _You’re not alone._ Deran cries against Adrian’s skin. Because he is alone. Always have been, because Smurf has never let anyone close enough, always made sure to keep potential rivals away by letting Deran go around thinking no one knew and above all, that no one _could_ know. He’s seen how Smurf has interfered with his brothers relationships, how little she’s respected their personal space.   
  
The biggest fear is not really what other people may or may not think about him being gay. Sure, the fear and insecurity has been there, the fear of not getting accepted but more than that, the fear that if the wrong person knew, it could be used as weapon. That’s been one part of it, but the greatest fear has always been that once Smurf knew, she would pull Adrian into her sick webb and use _him_ for her own benefit. Putting Adrian at risk of that, is not to be nice.


	29. Adrian

It’s the way Deran moves. Adrian remembers a time when Deran’s hands needed weed not to get nervous and tense over Adrian’s body. When they seemed to ask themselves all the time if this was okay, if he could have this, if fucking sky would fall down should he like it. Deran’s fear has never really been the classical coming out fear. Adrian just didn’t realise how much the fear that was connected with Smurf, until the night Deran opened the bar.  
  
The way he smiled at Adrian, so damn proud of his bar, but also visibly more relaxed. And then Smurf tried to ruin it, but failed. Yes, she actually failed. Instead of falling in line, Deran _drew_ a line. Since then, he’s been more and more the old Deran, the kid Adrian grew up with, finally released after many years in a cage. Not a closet, a cage. Guilded, for sure, but still a fucking cage. Invisible bars disguised as safety are the most difficult to break, because chance is you never discover them at all. By being a guy, Adrian isn’t as easily compared with Smurf and the secrecy, no matter how sad it is, also filled the purpose of keeping Smurf away.  
  
The time that has passed since that kiss outside Adrian’s place, when he ”broke up” with Deran if you can even call it a break-up, seems to have brought the old Deran back. The guy Adrian fell in love with. He still loves him. You can’t just turn it off.  
  
Deran’s moves, once skittish and insecure, then calm and confident, are now frightened. It’s as if someone made an attempt to drag him not only back to the closet, but back to Smurf and her cage. Only this time, Deran sees the bars for what they are. He’s tense and worried in Adrian’s arms and keeps a distance between their hips, something he didn’t do even when he was so deep in the closet he was about to find fucking Narnia.  
  
This could be about some gay bashing assholes. Fucking creeps who’ve threatened Deran in some way. But considering Deran didn’t hesitate to beat up Adrian when the kid walked in on them or send Pope after Dave, it seems like such an anomaly for him to break like this from being beat up. The old Deran would go after them, and most certainly let Pope and Craig in to deal with it. There’s simply too much fear and pain radiating from him now, for this to be about any of the usual stuff.  
  
Adrian slowly lets his hand wander down to the small of Deran’s back, just the line of his pants and there it comes again. The frozen reaction, like he’s getting paralyzed and in that moment, Adrian wants to scream, wants to beat himself to a pulp for his blindness. For the way his prejudices fooled him, the way he’s never for a moment thought that Deran would end up in _that_ kind of situation.  
  
Some fucking piece of shit… _raped_ Deran. Someone raped Adrian’s best friend and first real love and Adrian wants to kill. The anger spreading in his body with lightening speed doesn’t compare to anything Adrian’s felt before. He wants to torture, to scream and rage. He wants to keep Deran like this, telling him everything’s gonna be alright. That he’s not alone, because they’re two in this even if they don’t talk.


	30. Deran

Adrian pretends to sleep. A long time ago, Deran was irritated he could tell the difference, just as he was annoyed that he noticed when Adrian used a different shampoo or wore a t-shirt he rarely used. Knowing such things meant Deran noticed unimportant details. It meant counting freckles. Intimacy. Falling in love didn’t happen just like that. It came sneaking up on him, made him vulnerable because Deran never acknowledged it for what it was. But if he had, wouldn’t that have had him running away? He’s been on his way a lot of times, but always stayed. Eventually, the one to walk away was Adrian. And now he’s back.  
  
The scent of his friend is comforting. It’s one Deran could never get tired of. He stopped crying a while ago and now he’s just laying still, dwelling in the warmth of the other man. Adrian is like a human shield against all things Deran doesn’t want to think about right now. A small sound comes from the soft lips.  
  
”Deran…”  
”What?”  
”Let’s go to bed…”  
  
Deran could say they’re fine on the couch, but he doesn’t. Instead he moves to help his more than half asleep friend up and they stumble sleepishly into the bedroom. Adrian undresses, not fully though, and gets under the covers. Deran hesitates, doesn’t really know why, and then he removes his clothes except for his shorts, puts the light out and lay down.  
  
”Can I hold you?”  
  
The question is so unexpected, Deran only nods and then, easy as if he’s done it a thousand times, he curls up in Adrian’s arms.  
  
In Belize, the only truly sweet time they had, when Deran would allow himself to cross certain lines, he would be the one holding Adrian like this, never the other way around. It was unspoken, of course, as so many other things, that Deran didn’t want to be held. He would always, if he wasn’t too wasted or high, keep some distance even in their most intimate moments. Only when he came out, when he’d already been without Adrian for some time, he was able to truly reckognize the silent, nagging ache in his belly for what it was. The loss of a vital organ.  
  
Adrian’s arms feels huge. They always did. Deran used to be uncomfortable with the fact that Adrian’s five inches taller than him, like it gave him some kind of advantage. To be held by those arms would only increase that feeling and that’s why Deran’s been the one to hold. How they’ve been arranged while waking up is a different matter, the important thing was never to show weakness, never to be small.  
  
Being held by Adrian now, reminds Deran of how much he missed out on because of the fear to show weakness, but most of all the fear that it would feel like being held by Smurf. It doesn’t. Not at all.


	31. Adrian

The waves are promising today, but for once, Adrian isn’t interested. He leaves the bed very slowly and throws a glance at the man still sleeping in his bed. He moved a couple of times during the night, restless and worried, clutching for Adrian’s hands, but otherwise he seemed to sleep well. Adrian leaves the window, takes his phone and goes to the kitchen.  
  
He doesn’t have the number to Heather, Deran’s bartender, but he’s got Craig’s. Adrian texts him and to his surprise, he actually get an answer after a couple of minutes, thanking Adrian for looking after Deran and that Craig and Heather have it covered. Adrian sighs, sending a silent prayer of thanks to the functioning brain cells Craig still got – and uses. Now it’s just his baby brother that needs to use his and realise that after last night, it’s not a good idea to just head back to work.  
  
Adrian then calls his own co-workers, telling them he’s not coming in today. He’s very rarely absent from the shop, so it’s not like he feels bad for it and his employees are understanding. The shop wont go down from Adrian being off a couple of days.  
  
A small sound from the bed makes Adrian put the phone down. Deran is moving in his sleep and Adrian gets under the covers again, pulling the restless body close. He knows there’s always the risk Deran wont reckognize him in his sleep, that he’s trapped in a nightmare or something, mistaking Adrian’s arms for someone elses, unwanted. Deran tenses just a little and Adrian leans close to his ear.  
  
”Deran… You awake?”  
”Mhm…”  
”You know where you are?”  
  
There’s a sigh, sleepish grunts and Deran’s hand searching for Adrian’s.  
  
”Adrian…?”  
”Yeah, it’s me.”  
”What time is it?”  
”Early. You should get some more sleep.”  
”Gotta… work…”  
”Craig and Heather have you covered.”  
”You called’em…?”  
”Texted.”  
”Huh…”  
”I’m not working today either.”  
  
Deran turns around, eyes half-closed and sleepy, hair all tangled.  
  
”You… took the day off?”  
”Yeah. Didn’t know when you were gonna wake up, so…”  
  
Adrian feels himself blushing and Deran seems confused. Fuck this tip-toeing.  
  
”I don’t wanna be away from you, Deran. Not today. We can hit the beach later if you want, but…”  
”Thanks.”  
  
Deran’s interruption is soft. Simple. He accepts that Adrian is intruding. Taking charge. Adrian cups his chin, stroking the cheek with his thumb. Deran looks tired. No, exhausted. There’s some part of him that realises this is not Adrian trying to control him. A realisation that he simply _can’t_ work today and it’s showing. Deran turns away again, with Adrian like a human leech on his back, once again holding Adrian’s hand pressed to him.


	32. Deran

The coffee is cheap, the breadrolls a bit dry. Adrian rarely eats breakfast at home and the almost empty butter packet tells he’s once again forgot to shop. Deran sips on the strong coffee.  
  
”How are the waves?”  
”Good.”  
  
Adrian keeps eating and Deran presses his lips hard together.  
  
”Look, I don’t need someone to babysit me, Adrian.”  
”I’m not babysitting you.”  
”Then why aren’t you down the beach now, man? I’m not fucking dying.”  
”I already told you. Don’t want you to be alone now.”  
  
Deran guesses he looks just as confused as he feels, because Adrian smiles.  
  
”What?”  
”You remember back in Belize? When I got ill and you made me that ice cream drink.”  
  
He does, actually.  
  
”You were so fucking whiny…”  
”But you made that drink anyway.”  
”What’s your point, man?”  
”Point is, waves were perfect that day and I wasn’t dying.”  
  
But Deran stayed anyway. Alright, point taken. He’s holding the coffee cup in a steady grip, as if he’s afraid he’ll drop it.  
  
”Uhm... I… This is really nice of you. I’m… Look, I don’t want to… I can’t work but I should get back.”  
”Why?”  
”Because…”  
  
He starts the sentence without really knowing what to say. Because what? He’s still in pain? He has nightmares? It’s not as if he’s never been in pain before and nightmares aren’t exactly dangerous. He doesn’t need a caretaker but Deran knows Adrian well enough to understand that’s not what he’s offering. Deran still can’t work, he’s in too much pain and going home means being a few steps away from work and with that, too many people who may see him and ask questions.  
  
Deran rubs the line of the cup with his thumb. In the other corner of the sofa, there is blue eyes and freckles. A blue, wornout t-shirt and kindness. Patience. More than Deran has any right to ask for. He swallows.  
  
”Can I… stay here until I’m… I’ll pay you, of course.”  
  
He really can’t find the proper words right now and Adrian, as so many times before, helps him over the barrier.  
  
”Of course you can. And you don’t have to pay, Deran. Fucks sake… we’re friends.”  
”But you still need better coffee.”  
  
They smile, both of them, and Deran’s shoulders finally lower a little more. He didn’t even notice they’d gotten tense again.


	33. Adrian

There are different Derans. The day Deran, the night Deran, the out in public Deran and the alone with Adrian Deran and the being with family Deran. Before he came out those different sides seemed more alike. At least in Oceanside. The Belize Deran is something Adrian’s only seen glimpses of here. More of it lately. This is a seventh Deran Adrian doesn’t really know how to handle, and Deran doesn’t know either. He’s scared, confused, angry, frustrated and, if Adrian reads him right, ashamed. It’s not as if Adrian hasn’t seen all of those sides before, but this seventh Deran has all of them very concentrated now and there’s a a sixth side added to it: sadness.  
  
Deran starts going to the bar, not to work during open hours, but to do other stuff. Inventory, cleaning, purchasing and receiving orders. That Deran is calm, focused and now also reserved. Before _The Drop_ opens, he leaves and heads over to Adrian’s place, exhausted.  
  
The exhausted Deran is easy to handle. He doesn’t ask for much, just a place to be without feeling watched and examined, and he’s bringing dinner home as well as better coffee. Adrian appreciates it. This Deran is not an intruder or someone bothering or interrupting Adrian’s life. He just can’t stand being alone at night right now and the weariness and tension is all over him every night Adrian comes home and sees him pack up some take-away food for them.  
  
They eat dinner and talk about their jobs, the day, like some married fucking couple and the eating-dinner-on-the-couch-while-watching-shitty-movies-and-smalltalk Deran is actually not a bad person to come home to. It’s very much just sharing a flat with a friend who lets you have your space. Deran doesn’t ask questions and when Adrian one night decides to test Deran by dropping – just in passing, of course – that a customer made a pass on him, Deran just chuckles, not showing any signs of jealousy or anger. He doesn’t seem interested in knowing who the guy was and doesn’t repeat any of his possessive, self-hating and homophobic scorns from before. If there’s any negative reaction at all, it’s sadness, but only a very small glimpse of it Adrian isn’t supposed to see. Like Deran tries to push it away, feeling ashamed of that too.  
  
It’s hard to describe this state they’re in, because it’s new to them both. This is not reliving Belize in any way but when Deran tries to sleep on the couch to give Adrian some space, his mind starts reeling and when he finally falls asleep, it doesn’t take more than an hour before he wakes up, screaming from a nightmare.  
  
Adrian comes running from his bed, just swirling his arms around Deran’s panting, shaking form and shushing him. The darkness Deran is the one who allows himself to be hold. He lets Adrian press him close, rub his tense shoulders and whisper soft words in his ear. He buries his face in the crook of Adrian’s neck, grasps for skin when there’s no fabrics to clutch onto. The darkness Deran leaves the couch and crawls back into Adrian’s bed and arms.   
  
Adrian strokes his back and buries his mouth in the blonde hair. He holds Deran like he sometimes did in Belize, only this is Oceanside and Deran is scared. But when Adrian presses soft, shallow kisses on his neck, Deran answers by clutching their swirled together fingers close to his chest and stroke his callous thumb over Adrian’s hand. Only then, all the different Derans in Adrian’s arms, come to rest again.


	34. Deran

”So uhm… did you know who…?”  
”No.”  
”I mean, if you reckognize them, we could…”  
”I said no, man!”  
  
The beer bottles are clinking dangerously in the box as he puts it in the storage. The delivery has kept him fairly busy today and now his brother is ruining it. He means well and seems genuinly worried, but Deran can’t talk about this now. Or ever. Craig just hold his hands up.  
  
”Okay, sorry. Just wanted to help, man.”  
”You help me best by moving these boxes.”  
”You still need for me to fill in for you tonight?”  
”Yeah… yeah, that’d be… Sorry for…”  
”It’s okay, man. Not gonna snoop, you know. It’s good you’re with Adrian.”  
  
Deran looks up from the box he’s just put in place, suddenly flushed.  
  
”How do you know where I sleep?”  
  
Craig just rolls his eyes.  
  
”Come on, Deran. You’re not staying here, not with me, not with Pope and sure as hell not with Smurf. How many options are left?”  
”We’re not fucking.”  
”Did I said you were? Jesus, I don’t care if you fuck him or someone else or no one at all, man. I just wanted to say that it’s good you’re not on your own.”  
”Was just a fucking road accident.”  
  
Craig snorts.  
  
”Like me or Pope not had trouble sleeping alone for less than that. If you don’t wanna talk about it, it’s fine, but you gotta understand I got worried. Is it suddenly forbidden to ask if you’re okay?”  
  
Craig’s just trying to help. He’s not Smurf. He’s not snooping and he doesn’t ask for a detailed version. Deran remembers how he was completely cool with him being gay, that he knew for a long time before Deran dared to tell – or in Craig’s case, not deny it. Deran stares at the box with bottles and swallows, tries to get his breathing to calm down and then he turns to his brother.  
  
”Sorry. I didn’t mean to be a dick, it’s just…”  
”It’s okay, Deran. I’m covering for you tonight and Heather is coming in an hour or so.”  
”I gotta start working.”  
”You are, but you’re fucking shaking, man.”  
  
Deran looks down at his hands. Fuck. Craig’s right. He can’t work tonight either. This can’t continue.  
  
”Can’t afford this, Craig.”  
”You don’t have to pay me. Fucks sake, Deran, it’s not as if you’re off for fun and I can handle this.”  
  
Craig is nice and supportive and Deran thinks it’s best not to point out that wasn’t it for Heather keeping an eye on things, _The Drop_ would probably be in ruins from one night in Craig’s hands. Deran loves his brother, but he knows him and Craig simply isn’t to be trusted alone, no matter how good his intentions are. He’s too easily distracted. In company with Heather, he’s both manageble and useful and Deran makes a note to himself to give Heather some extra on her paycheck this month. He nods.  
  
”I’ll pay you in one way or another when I’m back, man. Promise.”  
  
Craig just waves him off.  
  
”Just go home to Adrian and get some sleep. You look knackered.”


	35. Adrian

Deran’s sleeping on the couch. Curled up with legs tucked to his chest and the arms swirled around them. It’s a self-comforting position, as if he’s protecting something or trying to keep himself from falling apart. Adrian squats beside him and strokes the fanned out hair from his face. Two blue eyes open and for a micro second, there’s fear in them. Then, relief.  
  
”Didn’t hear you coming…”  
”You’ve been at the bar?”  
”Uh-huh. Inventory. Craig and Heather work tonight.”  
”Good.”  
”What time is it?”  
”Seven.”  
”Shit… Fell asleep by two or something…”  
  
Adrian smiles a little.  
  
”Guess you needed it, then. You’re hungry?”  
”Not really, but I should probably eat anyway.”  
”Yeah, you should. Brought us pizza.”  
  
Deran looks like he wants to say something like _you didn’t need to_ or _I’ll pay you back_ , but then he just nods, like he’s accepting it.  
  
”Thanks.”  
  
He seems a little better today. Looks better, less wornout even if he’s very tired. Doing some work to distract himself probably was a good thing. Adrian puts a movie on and they eat in silence, both of them too tired to talk. Deran eats slowly and obviously isn’t hungry. Adrian doesn’t tell him to eat more, or look at his plate. Being watched while trying to eat, usually doesn’t stimulate the appetite.  
  
It takes a while after they’ve finished their meal, time spent watching a movie they’re not really paying attention to, before Deran shows any signs of actual discomfort. Hands fidgeting, eyes flickering and nervous swallowing. Adrian isn’t really sure how to interpret him, but it feels simply wrong not holding is friend right now and he puts an arm around the tense man, preparing to get some more tension or being pushed away but instead, Deran leans in with a deep sigh. The night Deran arrives earlier tonight and it’s suddenly very hard not to give in to the urge to kiss him.  
  
There’s noone like your first… Deran isn’t actually Adrian’s first in a physical sence, it’s Adrian who’s Deran’s. But Deran is, no doubt, Adrian’s first real love, just as Adrian is Deran’s. And in moments like this, when they’re alone together, close and comfortable, it’s hard to remember they’re not lovers anymore.


	36. Deran

Secrets are natural. Everyone has secrets but few people have the kind of secrets the Cody family has. Compared to those, Deran’s sexuality is nothing. Or should’ve been nothing, was it not for Smurf. Deran’s urge to keep that hidden from her – or believing he did – has a lot to do with Adrian, almost as much as about himself. _You never loved me. You never loved any of us._  
  
Smurf didn’t object and Deran isn’t sure what hurts most: the fact that she doesn’t love him or that she didn’t bother to deny it. For once she didn’t lie to make herself look better but Deran can’t help wondering if he’d, just this one time, prefered the lie. To Smurf, they’ve all been her little helpers and not once did she, while taking lost kids in, helped girls. Only boys. Lena is the exception, otherwise the only girls she’s taken in, have been partners to her sons. To Deran, it’s been pretty obvious, Smurf doesn’t like grown women around her boys. Lena is a kid, Niki is a teen and also, which Deran suspects is the reason she’s been allowed in, a friend of J’s since long before he came to live with them. Trying to separate them is not a smart move and Deran supposes Smurf finds Niki way easier to deal with than Cath.  
  
To Smurf, family is all about business and Deran willingly admit treating Adrian the way he did was sick and awful, but the thought of Adrian being a part of Smurf’s little clan, is a fucking nightmare. Even if Adrian know what kind of family Deran has and knew that Deran’s obviously didn’t get his money on legal ways, he still didn’t just break with Deran completely. Maybe he’s not fine with what Deran’s been doing, and been pessimistic about his chances of going legit, he’s weirdly enough never judged unless Deran’s stepped far over the line, like with Dave. Adrian also made sure to keep a firm distance from and know as little as possible about the sides of Deran’s life that are less than legal.  
  
They’ve both had good reasons for not getting too close around Deran’s family and maybe that’s the only good thing about all the years of self-hatred, shame and fear. At least Smurf’s never had a chance to pull Adrian into her web. Instead she found a way to use her knowledge of Deran’s sexuality and his fear for her and others to know, to keep him close. What Deran blurted out that night about Smurf wanting him to want to fuck her, is far too close to the truth than he wants to think about.  
  
The way she strolled around almost naked in front of them when they were teens, walked in on them in the shower or waited with the laundry basket in their rooms while they undressed. The only one entitled to privacy and secrets, is Smurf herself. It was never about love, only control.  
  
Now, as Deran allows himself to be hold even before the darkness, letting Adrian close and silently leans into the comforting touch, Smurf and everything about her, feel so far away. How do you define something that isn’t _in love_ , isn’t friendship, isn’t… family? It’s so confusing and yet still very comforting. Adrian and whatever Deran feels or felt for him, the first person outside family to care about Deran. To stick around, open up and while they may have been in love, best friends, fuckbuddies or all of them, it still doesn’t explain the fact that neither of them, before Deran fucked things up, got tired of each other.  
  
Smurf may never have loved him and Deran is unsure of what to call his own very mixed up feelings for her, but that realisation doesn’t hurt half as much as the fact that Deran isn’t just head over fucking heels _in_ love with Adrian, but beneath those heated feelings and beneath the layers of friendship, feels something that is far closer to actual love than anything else. And it’s quite certainly unrequited.


	37. Adrian

_He’s smiling. Teasing, challenging. The waves bring them closer, too close and with a toothy grin, Adrian jumps and drags Deran with him underneath the surface. He feels legs swirling hard around him, trapping him and the gaze in Deran’s face is heated, shameless as they move back to the shore. No words are necessairy and by the time they’ve made it to their hidden spot, they’re impatient like teens…  
_  
It’s a sweet dream and Adrian sighs in his sleep. His sleeping mind has wandered off to Belize and one of their secret and heated moments on their hidden spot a the beach. They’re peeling their wetsuits off and Deran pushes Adrian down in the sand, settles between his legs and swallows him down in one go. Adrian can’t bite back the shout, but Deran’s unconcearned about who might see or hear. He’s taking his sweet time, sucking, licking and swirling that tongue around Adrian’s cock like he can’t get enough and when Adrian flips himself over, Deran’s smile is challenging as well.  
  
Adrian’s searching through his bag for the bottle of lube and works himself open quickly before Deran enters him. They’re not using protection, it’s unspoken but they’re not fucking anyone else right now and Deran’s good at this, despite being a closet case and Adrian being his first guy. His skittish friend/lover is both skilled and _very_ enthusiastic, working Adrian towards orgasm so easy it’s almost embarrassing. Adrian lets out a half-choked groan as he comes and then he feels Deran filling him with his cum, feral and panting…  
  
He wakes up in his own bed, hard and aching with Deran like a human leech on his back. Deran’s hard too, but sleeps heavily and Adrian wants to curse his own dick and mind aloud for not letting things be but happily giving over to whatever fucked up dreaming he can’t control.   
  
Adrian carefully moves Deran’s arms away and the sleepish murmur, telling him sleeping Deran doesn’t want to let go, just makes it worse. Adrian leans down to the ear, hidden behind a curtain of hair.   
  
”Gotta take a leak. I’ll be right back.”  
  
Deran relaxes again and Adrian heads to the bathroom, not to piss, but to take care of his unruly fucking cock before Deran actually wakes up. Problem is, it’s very hard not to think of Deran right now. Adrian tries to make the dream, the images of old memories go away, replacing them with other guys he’s been with and when that doesn’t help, he turns to his old favourite Brad Pitt, only to be reminded of the fact that he always prefered him in _Legend Of The Fall,_ with long, blond hair… Great.  
  
Brad Pitt or Deran, at least it works and Adrian wipes himself off and also splashes some cold water in his face. He feels a bit grouse, because not only is Deran his ex and they’re not getting back together, but Deran’s hurt, he’s been fucking raped and it sickens Adrian to react like this on the closeness. He goes back to bed, seeing Deran curled like a comma, hugging the blanket in his sleep. It’s too much to ignore, wakes up far too many feelings and memories Adrian thought he had under control and Brad fucking Pitt disappears as Adrian carefully spoons the sleeping man and pulls him back into his arms again.


	38. Deran

_So what, are you and Dave_ _gonna fag it up at Pottery Barn and get matching dishes and shit?  
  
_ Deran squirms inside. He may live a slightly more decent life now, but he’s still a shit and he stands in Adrian’s way. Adrian should be out doing whatever he wants, not keeping Deran company like some unpaid caretaker and still, to be completely honest with himself, Deran’s happy Adrian doesn’t seem to date anyone right now. He’s relieved Adrian isn’t seeing some sweet, honest guy who treats him the way someone like Adrian should be treated. With respect, care and just all the fucking love in the world.   
  
He’s sitting on the floor in Adrian’s bathroom, trying not to cry. The physical wounds are healed, more or less, but he can’t remember much from that night. Which probably is good, because no matter how easily Deran has revenged on assholes before, this is way too fucking personal to involve anyone else and unless he’s hiring someone to shoot them – which he fucking wont, because there are limits and Deran may be a criminal but he’s not a murderer and he’s not risking lifetime in jail for revenge – they will get away with this.  
  
”Deran?”  
  
The soft knock on the bathroom door and Adrian’s low voice bring him back. The door opens slowly and Adrian lowers, sits down beside him, warm from sleep. He puts an arm around him, letting Deran lean onto him again and Deran cries. He doesn’t want to, not alone and not in front of Adrian, but he can’t help himself and unlike Smurf’s weirdly calm, chilly way of comfort, Adrian feels warm and not at all obtrusive. His scent, his hand cardening through Deran’s hair, just the presence of him…  
  
”You had a nightmare?”  
”Uh-huh…”  
  
No use to deny it and Adrian doesn’t ask more. He’s just there, waiting for Deran to calm down and it fucking helps. It helps way better than anything Smurf ever did to comfort him and between his nightly angst and the memories he wants to go away, Deran’s tormented mind has no room left for more self-loathing. Adrian is safe, gentle and the scent of him stronger from the sleep. He’s holding Deran on the floor, nuzzling the skin right below Deran’s ear.  
  
”It’s still early. You wanna try and sleep some more?”  
”Yeah…”  
”Let’s get back to bed, then.” _  
_ ”Adrian…”  
”What?”  
”I’m sorry for… what I said…”  
  
He doesn’t specify it and Adrian just sighs a little and plants a kiss on his cheek.  
  
”Deran, please… Come back to bed, hon…”  
  
_Hon…?_


	39. Adrian

The board he’s working on is in a miserabel shape and normally Adrian hates these kind of jobs where a customer wont admit it’s a hopeless case, but right now, this sad wreck is a blessing. He needs something to take his focus away from Deran – and himself. A broken tail, lots of deep notches and overall a terrible surface that will take fucking ages to fix, thank God, leaving no room for useless thoughts.  
  
Right… Since leading Deran back to bed half past four this morning, there’s been a constant fucking choir of thoughts singing loudly in Adrian’s mind. _Hon._ Like in honey, sweetheart, darling and fucking babe. As if they’re sweet with each other. As if they’ve not already banned all the sweetness from all places in the world except Belize. They’ve been surfing embers and now the shores are in flames as well. Nowhere to stay safe except on the boards and by the look of the sad pieces before him and the name on Deran’s bar, broken pieces of something that once felt smooth, new and even beautiful, are the only things left to stand on.  
  
”Adrian!”  
  
He looks up from the shitty board. Tao, one of his co-workers, is looking at him by the door and Adrian removes his goggles.  
  
”What?”  
”Smurf Cody’s here.”  
  
Shit. _Shit, shit, shit._ Of all people to show up… Adrian swallows and puts his tools down as the blonde woman in sunglasses – always those fucking sunglasses – enters.  
  
”Good afternoon.”  
”Uhm.. hi…”  
  
She looks like she’s sneering internally at him. For the slightest second, Adrian tries to picture her asking a sixteen year old Deran if there’s something he wants to tell her, that he can always trust her to love him no matter who he loves… The image never occurs and Smurf gives her usual smile that’s neither warm nor cold.  
  
”I’m here for the rent.”  
”Oh… Yeah, just a sec.”  
  
The envelope is ready in the usual locker and he counts the bills one more time before handing them over to the incredulous woman. She smiles.  
  
”On time as always. If only all my tenants were as… reliable.”  
  
Adrian doesn’t answer, just nods, and he knows she can read him like an open book right now. She puts the envelope in her purse without counting them herself. She walks towards the door and then turns.  
  
”You haven’t seen Deran lately?”  
”He’s at the bar, I think.”  
  
He’s not really answering, mostly because he’s not sure if Deran wants Smurf to know he’s sleeping at Adrian’s place and he’s not comfortable with lying to Smurf’s face. She just nods and a small smirk shows on her face, telling Adrian she knows he’s not giving her a straight answer but doesn’t consider it important enough to dig into. At least not at the moment.  
  
”If you happen to see Deran, tell him I have a pie ready tonight.”  
  
Pie? The fuck is she talking about? Adrian nods.  
  
”Sure.”  
  
When she finally leaves, all Adrian wants is to run back home, find Deran and hide him somewhere. This, whatever the fuck it is he’s feeling for his old friend/lover, has to stop.


	40. Deran

He makes an effort, he really does. Now as he’s out it shouldn’t be this hard, but the more he tries, the more difficult it seems to see where it all went… wrong? No, not wrong. Fucking unexpected and for a long time terrifying and confusing, yes, but not wrong. Deran’s way past that kind of thoughts now even if he, in this moment, thinks it would’ve felt better to keep at least some of them. He tells himself if he’d not let go of the shame and fear of who he was, those thoughts may have protected him from this.  
  
The more he’s trying to let go of Adrian, the more passages seem to open up for him. Little sideways into Deran’s heart and mind, messing with his pulse and thoughts. If he’d not come out he’d still be a miserable shit and lost Adrian in every way but had he not been _this_ open, then… Fuck! He doesn’t know what he’s feeling about anything anymore and he’s never been this confused, which says a lot considering who raised him. Working too much wont change that, especially not when he needs Adrian to sleep, to get some sliver of peace from his own mind.  
  
He could get some more pills, but Deran’s not comfortable with loosing that much control anymore. He kicks the last box angrily.  
  
”You should go to him.”  
  
Deran almost squeals and turns around quick as a cat, seeing his oldest brother standing like a shadow in the doorrway.  
  
”Jesus, Pope… Fucking knock, man! You scared the shit out of me. It’s fucking creepy to sneak up like that.”  
  
Pope sits down on the stool, cryptic as always.  
  
”Go to him.”  
”The fuck are you talking about, man?”  
”Just… go back to Adrian, Deran.”  
  
Deran grits his teeth.  
  
”Everyone’s suddenly so fucking keen on me being with him. Didn’t ever occur to you to fucking say something before Belize, huh?”  
”Was in jail, wasn’t I? And I didn’t wanna snoop.”  
”Yeah, I fucking get that, but…”  
”You love him, don’t you?”  
  
Deran just stares at him. Pope isn’t Smurf. He hates her in his own way, just as much as Deran, maybe more even if Deran can’t quite figure out why. And he knows far more than anyone of them have given him credit for, never using it to his own advantage.  
  
”You know Adrian, he’s… He’s not one of us, Deran, and that’s good, man. He’ll never be _hers_.”  
”He deserves better.”  
  
Pope smiles.  
  
”Then lets hope he gets what he wants, and not what he deserves.”


	41. Adrian

He has a million reasons to let go. To turn away, close that door once and for all and get a real boyfriend without a psycho mom. Someone to fag it up with all he fucking wants, getting not only matching dishes, but matching bedsheets and bathrobes as well. Yes, he could find himself someone like Dave again, who’s open, secure, kind and doesn’t act like the world will fall apart from some fucking tenderness. Some normality. To Adrian it’s always been easier to accept he’s gay, than accepting he’s never really been able to get over Deran.  
  
He locks the shop, exhausted, and he can’t even blame the changed bed situation for it. He sleeps really well with Deran and that’s all they’re doing in bed. Sleeping. Considering how tired they both are at night and what’s happened to Deran, there’s no wonder nothing else happens. It’s more of a surprise that Deran feels comfortable with a man in bed at all. And it’s not as if Adrian’s done any advances. He doesn’t even know where he stands with his own feelings and if what Adrian thinks happened to Deran really did happen, this is a really shitty time for a move.  
  
Deran’s not reached out further either. It’s very obvious he feels comfortable sleeping next to Adrian at night, but otherwise his moves and looks are… confused and worried. Like he’s not sure if he’s actually welcome.  
  
Adrian turns the car key and leaves, head spinning fast as the wheels on his car. Deran can’t seriously think Adrian’s not forgiven him, right? Otherwise, he shouldn’t have come to the bar opening and definately not accepted to come by and have a beer and ”catch up”. If Adrian was still pissed off, he wouldn’t get worried when Deran went missing, wouldn’t feel ridiculously relieved when he showed up...  
  
Deran is not exactly Mensa material, but he’s far from stupid and he just can’t have missed… ? _Fuck._ Adrian almost misses a red light and an angry family of walkers glares at him, but he doesn’t care.  
  
He drives home, heart speeding and his brain and belly just screaming at him what an idiot he’s been, what an idiot Deran is and how much Adrian wants the assholes who raped him dead, how he wants fucking Smurf if not dead so at least as far as possible from Deran, preferably locked up in prison for life. By the time he’s home and sees the lights are on, sees the silhuette of a man behind the curtain, Adrian’s throat is tightening and he leaves the car, doesn’t even bother to get a grip of himself before he heads inside.  
  
Deran’s been… _cooking?_ Adrian just stands on the doormat like his feet has turned into lead. He can smell garlic and oregano and Deran comes out, hair in a scruffy bun and a slightly worried look in his blue eyes.  
  
”Didn’t hear you coming… I’ve… You want dinner?”  
  
It’s spaghetti bolognese, nothing special, and Adrian can’t recall Deran making anything more complicated than scrambled eggs and smoothies before. He’s wearing jeans and a t-shirt, looking really tired and he raises his eyebrows.  
  
”Did I do something wrong? I’m… I… _Jesus_ , Adrian… What happened, man?”  
  
Yeah, what happened? Why’s he standing on the floor, crying? Deran holds him, softer and more patient than even during their best Belize moments and Adrian’s too tired to do anything but leaning onto him, feeling those arms holding him, that beard scraping a little against his neck and Deran’s warm breath, his fast heartbeats…  
  
A million reasons to let go and even combined, they all weigh next to nothing, even less than all those thin strains of hair in that hairbun Adrian digs his fingers into. _Please, please, Deran… You fucking wayward idiot, you piece of shit, you damn fool, please, don’t leave._  
  
”Please…”  
”What? What’s the matter, Adrian?”  
”Please, just don’t… _leave._ ”


	42. Deran

Of all things he imagined Adrian would do or say, coming home to Deran standing in his kitchen with tomato stains all over, this wasn’t on the list. A crying Adrian isn’t something Deran’s used to handle and before he walked out from Smurf and the fucking closet, he’d probably do a shitty job dealing with it. Now it’s still possible he’s not doing it right, but at least he’s not doing or saying what the old Deran would’ve done and said. _Stop sobbing, man, the fuck’s wrong with you? You’re such a pussy…  
  
_ ”I’m not leaving. Hey, look at me, Adrian… I’m not leaving.”  
  
This… is fucking bizarre. It should be Deran begging Adrian, not the other way around and Deran can’t stand seeing Adrian so fucking upset. He rubs his shoulders, strokes the brown hair, rests his mouth in it, mumbling softly his reassuring, again and again. _I’m not leaving…_ Adrian’s body is tense and, Deran realises, scared. Or is it his own fear he’s feeling? Sometimes, in Belize, Deran had a hard time finding where his own feelings ended and Adrian’s began – and the other way around – and it left him confused and scared but the distance from Oceanside helped.   
  
It worked as a shield towards anything that threatened to destroy it and that’s why Belize can never be a long time ago, as Adrian once said. Not to Deran because the best part of him stayed there. Five fucking weeks on the run. It’s the happiest time in his life and letting go of that is just too fucking painful.  
  
Deran acts on an instinct he’s never really let loose before. He’s not annoyed or angry with Adrian for being upset, he doesn’t act harsh or impatient, doesn’t call him names or tries to press him for information. Instead, Deran forgets about his own fear and shame, there’s simply no room left for it and keeps stroking the tense shoulders, brushing lips over the thin skin on Adrian’s neck.    
  
”You’re crazy, man, you know that? Why should _I_ want to leave, huh? I should be the one… fuck… Damnit, Adrian, it’s _me_ … I should fucking ask _you_ to stay! I mean… I would if it wasn’t your place, if we were…  Fuck, that came out weird…”  
  
Adrian laughs. It’s teary and exhausted, but still a laugh and Deran’s lips curve into a smile.  
  
”Never been good at this.”  
”What?”  
”Comforting and shit…”  
”Made me laugh, didn’t you?”  
”Got lucky. You never know with my mouth…”  
  
Before realising how stupid that came off, Deran feels Adrian shaking from laughter and he can’t help himself. He laughs too. They’re a standing, knackered pile of hysterical laughter next to a minced beef sauce and that’s when their callous, anxious hands find faces, long tangles and short softness, scraping stubble and wet cheeks, warm lips finding back to each other again, choking millions of reasons to stop this, in a heartbeat.


	43. Adrian

”God, I’m sorry, I…”  
”Please, don’t.”  
”Adrian, I didn’t…”  
”Dammit, Deran, just fucking stop analyzing everything!”  
  
Fuck. It takes about four agonizing seconds before Deran erases the few, angsty inches between them and this time, they’re both prepared. For everything except how fucking easy it is. Adrian stumbles on his own feet, making Deran move backwards to the kitchen countertop, leaning against it and taking Adrian with him.  
  
It’s just kisses. Heated, unbelievably nerve wracking kisses non of them can really tell what they will lead to. The only coherant thought Adrian’s aware of beyond the familiar, hot-blooded sweetness and the feeling of Deran’s tongue, is a warning that this could quickly change to something neither of them wants, because of what those assholes Adrian doesn’t know the names of, did to Deran.  
  
His friend’s half sitting on the countertop, legs spread, inviting, and Adrian grabs Deran’s hips, pressing them close together, doing exactly the thing he shouldn’t fucking do because this isn’t…  
  
Isn’t what? Adrian has forgotten. Warnings, memories, rational thoughts… they’re all lost now, flying in different directions, far away from Adrian to catch, with every jerk from his hips, every breathy nibble from Deran’s lips, fleeting further and further away and Adrian can’t do shit about it, unless he moves away and he doesn’t, because he doesn’t fucking want to. He’s longed for Deran, for the guy he fell in love with once, a long time ago. That kid he grew up with. _The guy I fell in love with…_ And the next second, Deran freezes, he starts shivering and Adrian pulls back, seeing the panic in his eyes.  
  
”Adrian, I… I’m sorry, man, I… Fuck!”  
  
The heat is gone, Deran looks so scared Adrian doesn’t dare to move. Where’s the lines to keep to? Where does Deran’s space begin and what distance does he need? Adrian backs two steps but holds out his hand, takes Deran’s loosely, just enough to keep the connection.  
  
This was all too fast and they both realised that a little late, but not too late. Adrian swallows as he sees Deran’s face, flushed, scared and ashamed.  
  
”Deran, it’s okay. Really, it’s _okay_.”  
  
He cups the chin, bent down in shame and strokes his thumb over the bearded cheek. Deran’s hot, yes, but he’s also pretty. Pretty fucking beautiful and Adrian’s never told him that. Words like that has never been their style, not now either. Adrian holds the flushed face between his hands, leaning his forehead onto Deran’s, whispering his reassurements until the fear fades from the worried, blue eyes and Deran pulls him close again, still worried but no longer ashamed.


	44. Deran

”You remember the hoodie you lost in Belize?”  
”Hoodie?”  
”The blue one.”  
”Ah, yeah.”  
”You didn’t loose it. I took it.”  
”What?”  
  
Adrian looks more than a little surprised and Deran bites his lip. They’re laying on the couch, facing each other. Deran swallows.  
  
”At first I tried to convince myself I’d just packed it by accident, you know.”  
”Accident?”  
”Yeah…”  
”I don’t follow.”  
”Uhm…”  
  
He feels himself blushing now.  
  
”I took it because it smelled like you. At least until Smurf found and washed it. I got so fucking upset it was ridiculous… I still have it.”  
”You plan on giving it back?”  
  
Adrian smiles. It’s warm and friendly. Inviting. Deran closes his eyes.  
  
”I should’ve known in Belize, you know. Should’ve known way before that.”  
”Known what?”  
”That I… was in love with you.”  
  
Is this how it feels to say it? Finally saying it aloud, with his own words for Adrian and no one else to hear. It’s hard to breathe, this is not Deran’s territory at all but there are simply too many pieces that have fallen into place since he started to live his own life. Smurf is still a cloud on his sky, but she’s not putting everything and everyone Deran cares about under her shadow anymore.  
  
”When did you know?”  
  
Adrian’s voice is very low, soft and Deran lets out a small, self-ironic laughter.  
  
”Well, _now_ I know what I should’ve known when I was fifteen…”  
”Fifteen? You mean you’ve been…?”  
”Yeah. How’s that for self-delusion, huh? Fuck, I shouldn’t have told you this…”  
”No, you should’ve told me years ago.”  
  
His friend sounds sad and when Deran shuts his eyes again to close off, he can feel tears.  
  
”I fucked up so badly, Adrian…”  
”You did once, but not now.”  
  
Soft voice, warm lips. A slow, sweet dance between their tongues. No rush, no hands wandering off, just kisses tasting from coffee, from Adrian. It’s sweet, calming and beautiful. Not like in Belize, but like coming home.


	45. Adrian

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The song in this chapter, Dream Theater's "Disappear": www.youtube.com/watch?v=F2uzG13TdPA 
> 
> (Sorry not sorry for whatever feelings this chapter and this song may or may not stir up... The boys forced me and I blame the choice of song on Pope.)

”This is weird, man…”  
”How so?”  
”It’s not exactly, I mean… usual?”  
  
Adrian giggles.  
  
”No? Look who’s talking. Since when is Deran Cody doing _usual_ stuff?”  
”Guess you have a point.”  
”And people do this, you know. Fagging it up.”  
  
Deran makes a grimaze against Adrian’s neck.  
  
”I’d almost managed to forget about that…”  
”I will after this, I promise. If…”  
”This is blackmailing, dude.”  
”No, it’s payment for my hoodie. Looked all over for it, you bastard.”  
”It’s still a weird fucking payment.”  
”Never got the chance in high school, did I?”  
”What about Dave then?”  
”Stepped on my toes. And if we’d not been so stoned at that party in Belize, we’d done it back there.”  
  
_Should’ve known way before Belize…_ Such a weird fucking payment and it’s really not a payment, it’s just something Adrian wished they could’ve done earlier. Deran snorts close to his ear.  
  
”What?”  
”I think Pope used to play this…”  
”He did. Heard it from his room first.”  
”Pretentious as fuck… Typical Pope.”  
  
Deran’s trying to protect himself again. From Dream Theater’s _Disappear_. From too much softness but Adrian doesn’t regret his request. He never got to dance with his first, and probably only real, love. Not until now. Deran’s never danced with a guy before, only girls in school when he felt he should. Adrian saw it sometimes, did it himself, but never looking as uncomfortable as Deran did with a girl on the floor.  
  
Maybe because he already knew when he was acting and when he was Adrian. To Deran, it was never that easy.  
  
”He’s not even singing _he_ …”  
”I pretend he does. Always pretended that... Whenever I heard it…”  
  
Whenever he let himself dream just a little, turning the girl from the dance into a guy, he always looked like Deran. And now, years later, he’s dancing with the sum of every important feeling he’s ever had, to a song he heard by accident from Pope’s room and later remade in his head to suit the fucked up thing that was him and Deran…  
  
_Turn, I'll turn this slowly round. Burn, burn to feel alive again. ~~She~~ (he), ~~she'd~~ (he’d) want me to move on. See me, this place I still belong, give chase, to find more than I have found. And face, this time now on my own…  So ~~I'm~~ (I’m not) moving on, I'll never forget as you lay there and watched me, ~~accepting~~ (not accepting) the end. I knew you were scared, you were ~~strong~~ (afraid) I was trying… I gave you my hand. I said it's okay letting go ~~time to leave here~~ (for a while). And I'll carry on, the best that I can without you here beside me… _  
  
His love is a tattooed, longhaired, violent animal who turns calm, almost tamed, as long as you don’t keep him in a cage. Loving Deran Cody isn’t easy. Being him is far more difficult and Adrian’s loved him for as long as he can remember. He’s not his first, but the only one of importance and to carry on the best he can without him, isn’t something Adrian’s ready to force himself to do again. Deran follows his moves, their slow, walking embrace. He’s tired, so fucking tired of everything he thought he wanted. It takes a lot of strenght to fight softness. To deny yourself sweetness neither high waves nor successful, adrenaline pumping jobs can offer.  
  
Yes, Adrian’s love is tired, they both are. And they’re finally, in their own weird, unpredictable way, beginning to find calm waters. Of course it’s weird after so many years trying to avoid drowning.


	46. Deran

He’s never been one to cry easily, unless someone demands it. Someone as in Smurf and once, when he was a small kid, his brothers. Tears stopped a fight when Smurf wouldn’t, at least to the age of eleven or twelve. They also made Smurf forgive him whenever she threatened to stop loving him. They are weapons to protect Deran from his family, nothing else. At least not until now. Adrian’s own tears and Pope’s music made him cross that boarder and it’s the strangest combination of relief and shame. You don’t just shake off twenty years of desperate tries to be a _man_ like that.  
  
Deran’s sitting in Adrian’s lap, leaning back against his strong chest. His love can’t see his tears, only feel them and Deran’s allowed a small sliver of privacy. The fact that Adrian isn’t intruding, that Deran finally understands that his kindness, this softness isn’t a threat to him, isn’t something Adrian intends to use as a weapon against him, to ridicule and destroy him with, is what makes him open up.  
  
Adrian listens. He doesn’t interrupt, just holds Deran close, taking his hands and rests his mouth in his hair as Deran tells him. It goes deep, the shame is still very much alive and Deran isn’t used to be listened to. Not like this. He tells about the hook-up he fucked in his storage room, who somehow talked him into leaving the bar, the line he snorted before realising it came from a another package than the one the other guy took. His memory is blurry after that, but he recalls the pain. The fear. The fucking humiliation and how he couldn’t do anything but hope he’d not end up dead. He’d never felt so vulnerable.  
  
His voice breaks sometimes, the tears interrupt him but Adrian’s gentle, respectful listening makes him return to the story until it’s told in full. Until they’re at the point where Adrian finally saw him again and Deran, as so many times before, lied about what had happened like he did with the jobs, to protect them both. Adrian was never supposed to be a part of the ugly sides of Deran’s life, that was the point. In the end that was what made Belize what it was. The fear Deran walked around with for so long, was about so much more than sexual orientation and stupid macho ideals. It’s always been about abandonment and if you don’t let the one you care about close, they can’t leave because there’s nothing to leave from and you can maintain the illusion of control.  
  
He doesn’t say it with those words, but it’s what he means and he doesn’t need to look at or hear Adrian to know he understands. And Deran realises that out of all the shit he’s done to others and all the shit he’s put himself through or been put through by others, punching Adrian in front of J is the one thing he really can’t forgive himself. That punch simply has too many layers of all the things he thought he was protecting Adrian from, that actually made him hurt him instead. It’s so ugly, so fucked up and twisted and finally putting words to it and really begging for a forgiveness Adrian’s already given him, but Deran still doesn’t feel he really deserve, is like a purge and when he becomes silent, for the first time it’s not because he’s afraid to say the wrong words but because he has nothing more to say.  
  
Adrian sits with him through the silence as well, the teary, exhausted wind-down where the waves become calm and they both make it back to shores that are no longer in flames, but just warm piles of sand. Neutral, familiar. Safe. Pope’s song is still on repeat on the computer and Deran wonders in silence if they’re finally allowed to rest because he has no strenght left to balance on a board or keep swimming. Are they safe? At least for now…?


	47. Adrian

They wake up on the couch almost the same time and Adrian only has to throw a quick glance at Deran to know there will be no work for any of them today. He takes their phones from the floor and without a word, they send the necessairy texts and put the phones away again. Deran looks… different. They fell asleep in a clothed embrace on the narrow couch and their necks and shoulder crack a little from the positions.   
  
Deran’s phone vibrates first, he reads the text and puts it away. Craig or Heather apparently have him covered. They wait in silence for the answer from Adrian’s co-worker and when it comes, Adrian rolls his eyes.   
  
”Whiny ass…”  
”You gotta go?”  
”No. He’s just complaining. I’m not going anywhere.”  
”Not even to bed?”  
  
Deran has a very tired smile on his lips and Adrian leans forward to give a shallow kiss on the sleepy mouth.  
  
”Lets go.”  
  
They undress, just keeping their shorts on, and get under the covers. In the darkness the roller blind provides them with, it’s harder to see Deran’s face, but yes, it is somehow different. Adrian has seen it change before, especially since Deran opened the bar, but now it has a kind of confused although not scared exhaustion. The kind of weariness that has to be allowed all the rest it needs in a safe place and at last Adrian understands Belize wasn’t safe enough, nor was his acceptance. Just showing Deran that Adrian wasn’t ashamed of who they were wasn’t enough. For Deran to get away from Smurf wasn’t enough either. What he needed was a place in his own mind where he didn’t have to hide from himself. It may be small, but at least it’s there now and Adrian isn’t shut out.  
  
Deran’s body is limp and heavy in his arms, apart from a very inconvenient boner, most likely the result of exhaustion from the anything but easy unburdening and they both ignore it, ignore that Adrian’s body responds in the same way because sex is the last thing they want now. What they want and desperately need, is peace and quiet and more sleep. The morning waves will have to do without them today. A small, almost invisible smile still curves Deran’s mouth.  
  
”Can I hold you?”  
  
Adrian doesn’t answer, just lets go of Deran and turns around so he can spoon him. The burly arm coming under his neck is unusually careful and he’s pulled flush against his friend/lover/whatever the fuck, close all the way down from the slightly scraping beard to their naked feet. Adrian goes back to sleep to the feeling of Deran’s hand drawing soft circles on his belly.


	48. Deran

The world feels less annoying when he wakes up. As if it, for once, isn’t waiting impatiently or chasing after him. Pope and Craig know where he is and they know _who_ he is, who Adrian is to him and Smurf can’t use Deran’s fear anymore, because it’s no longer there. At least not enough to control him. And Adrian’s laying in his arms, he’s not pulled back from Deran in his sleep. The relief is so huge it’s almost unreal.   
  
Adrian’s bed is a little narrow, but far better than the couch and Deran once again remembers he doesn’t have to leave it. Well, not unless Adrian wants him to, but that doesn’t seem very likely now. He’s holding onto Deran in his sleep, like he’s afraid Deran will escape. Like that would happen unless Adrian literally tells him to leave.   
  
The irritating boner from last night has returned, pressed onto Adrian’s back and Deran is grateful he’s still too knackered to be bothered. He’s not had sex with anyone for a long time now and he’s had his reasons. Feels wrong to call them good, though. The last time he slept with Adrian, was when he broke his window and fucked him from behind in his usual, rough way. Honestly, the sex Deran’s had since coming out, has been better in that regard. The closet apparently affected sex more than he’d thought, which makes Belize appear in a different light as well.  
  
After last night, it’s a little easier being honest in silence. Easier to admit that the one time they, high as kites, switched roles back in Belize, Deran liked it. A lot. What Daniel or whatever the piece of shit did to him, was about as far from that as one could get and Deran finds it hard to believe he once thought that being bottom would feel like it did with Daniel. Extremely painful and humiliating. Deran’s been quite rough with Adrian, especially after Belize, and even if he knows more than well Adrian would’ve told him to be more gentle if it hurt, the memories still worry him now as he’s able to feel without the cloud of fear getting in the way.  
  
”I can hear you thinking…”  
  
Adrian’s voice is a sleepish murmur and Deran buries his mouth in the warm neck.  
  
”Was I ever too rough with you? I mean… when we…”  
  
A large hand searches for his and twines their fingers together. Firm. Safe.  
  
”Never.”  
  
He can feel the calm heartbeats against their hands and then he hears the firm but also very soft voice.  
  
”Deran… I can safely promise, that we never did anything I didn’t want in bed. _Never_.”


	49. Adrian

He’s not looking, just feeling. And showing. Showing Deran how trust looks like when it’s given again after having been taken away. After forgiveness. Adrian wont forget, he doesn’t believe in only ever looking forward, but he forgave Deran long before this moment and now he’s letting his body tell Deran that he not only forgives, but wants him.  
  
Deran’s hand is sliding over Adrian’s skin, skittish and insecure, but still so good. Adrian’s laying on his back and Deran’s propped on his elbow beside him, visibly tense and Adrian guides him slow with a soft and content smile. He’s making himself heavy on the mattress, relaxing as much as he can, not because he’s tense himself, but to make Deran feel safe again. Adrian’s never been with someone who’s been raped, at least not as far as he knows, and Deran’s not told him more than necessairy, which still is a lot more than he would’ve said before. If that’s not trust, then what is?  
  
Adrian tries to listen with his body, to create safety by simply being calm and undemanding. Deran’s never dared to explore Adrian’s body like this, at least not without being high or drunk. Now there are no such veils to protect him and Adrian helps him with blissed smiles, closed eyes and sweet words, reassuring him how good it is. And it’s not a lie or even an exaggeration. Deran’s hands are fireflies on his skin, his kisses slow and hot, consuming. They take their time, stroking, squeezing and teasing, leaving Adrian’s hard, leaking cock untouched for now, focusing on all the places he’s not been comfortable exploring before.  
  
It’s torture. Sweet fucking torture to be touched like this and it makes Adrian let out unabashed sounds, little mewls and breathy moans, tugging at Deran’s hair, grasping for his wrists, his arms, whatever Adrian can reach to keep himself from being overwhelmed by the feeling of floating.  
  
It’s a lesson. He’s teaching Deran how good it can be to get unleashed and allowing yourself to show what you feel and want, without shutting down from fear of being hurt or ridiculed. It’s a lesson and Adrian’s a good teacher, because the worried hands slowly become steadier, more determined and Deran turns Adrian to face him, lifts his leg to first get his own between Adrian’s and then arrange Adrian’s the same way, in clinch, until they’re grinding themselves against the hard muscles of their thighs.  
  
Adrian opens his eyes. It feels so good, having Deran’s thigh pressed to his cock with all the small hairs scraping teasingly, feeling Deran’s erection rub against him and pulling the scent of him – of both of them – deep into his lungs. They’re both pent-up from all the talking and tension, haven’t had sex in quite some time and are simply far too knackered to last very long. Adrian shifts to his back, moves his leg to have Deran lay between his thighs and the man just follows as Adrian takes both their cocks in a warm, callous hand and rubs them hard and fast together.  
  
Deran looses it. He’s close, cock red and leaking as he fucks Adrian’s fist almost desperately, so much want in every thrust, in every fingernail he digs into Adrian’s shoulder, every roll from his hips and when he comes, Adrian can’t take his eyes of him. He can not _not_ see how Deran gets hit by the orgasm, how the hair has gone tangled, the cheeks colored from heat and the blue eyes closed as he all but screams when Adrian’s fist turns slick and hot from his cum and he smears it all over Adrian’s cock, the desperate rutting slowing to the tight grind Adrian loves, seconds before he follows Deran over with a loud cry. 


	50. Deran

He’s recalling the last time he took a shower here. How he, when Adrian confronted him, tried to make it about the window, about Dave, about anything but himself. The anxiety that was such a natural part of him, he couldn’t see a way to get rid of it. It made him mean, cruel even, leaving after holding up the crowbar like a fucking weapon to threat Adrian with. Disgusting. Pathetic. That time, _this_ would’ve been unthinkable on so many levels.  
  
There’s no laughters or jokes between them now, only small, weary smiles and exhausted silence. They’re resting their heads on each others shoulders while washing, letting the water rinse soap from their skin.  
  
Adrian’s heavy against him, his hands slow as he washes Deran’s shoulders, his back. No one’s been allowed to touch him like this before. Deran’s never thought about it as a possibility or something he’d like or even tolerate. In his world, showers with a lover is something girls want and their boyfriends do it to make them pleased. Deran’s body is starved of the kind of soft touches he wants and re-learning takes time. He’s been so mean to Adrian, not all the time, but since J discovered them. Before that, he was rough, impatient and stupid as well, but never cruel. This, how ever, stepping into any kind of cuddling and just being sweet, without drugs to blame or physical activities like surfing or sex to disguise it with – how much of their wrestling over the waves, was actually discuised cuddling? – is new and risky.  
  
Their few moments of more intimate sweetness, belong to Belize and Deran always assumed they would stay there, safely locked away from Oceanside, Smurf and all the parts of Deran that have learned this isn’t for him.  
  
What he’s been subconsciously aware of since his early teens, but been so successful in suppressing, became more difficult to deny even before Belize and he still remembers the first time Adrian kissed him and the quick, rough sex they had. The asshole Mark Liston called him _pent-up_ and Deran sneers internally. Fucking that guy in the storage room was something Deran needed at the time, but if he thought that was Deran being pent-up, he should’ve seen Belize.  
  
Fucking Adrian the first time set so many undiscovered – not to mention denied – emotions going, it was like a sensory overload on all levels. Deran’s realised that getting what you want before you’re aware of what you want, is a whole different thing than when you know and accept it. He was so scared of what might show on his face, should Adrian see it while they fucked, or what would happen if he liked things that was… too gay. It sounds so stupid now, but fear makes you come to stupid conclusions.  
   
Adrian washes his hair, scraping Deran’s scalp and he allows it. Gives up in a way. He feels raw and breathless, leaning against the wall and Adrian slides between his legs, lifts Deran’s thighs to lock around his hips and presses against him. Blood fills their soft cocks again and Deran starts working them, allowing himself to get lost in the feeling of Adrian’s cock, the smooth hardness that makes his own blood rush and he forgets about how tired he is, gives up and gives in.


	51. Adrian

If he’d expected anyone, it would’ve been Craig. And a call or at least a text first. But there he stands, Deran’s eldest brother with the usual incredulous expression on his face.  
  
”Can I come in?”  
  
Adrian just nods and moves. Had it been Craig, Adrian would’ve asked if he wanted coffee, but he has no idea how to behave with Pope. A part of him wants to punch him for throwing Dave off a boat and another part wants to thank him for dropping whatever he did when Deran called from the road. Wasn’t it for Pope, things ironically could’ve been both a lot better and a lot worse and he didn’t hurt Dave for any other reason than Deran asking him to. The Cody way of looking after each other is sick, but it’s the only way they know how to do things and every time any of the brothers have tried to to it differently, they’ve ended up punished. It’s like they’re bound to always do the wrong choice, like a fucking curse.  
  
Deran comes out from the bedroom, dressed after the shower and he startles a little as he sees his brother.  
  
”Smurf’s looking for me?”  
”Don’t know. I just wanted to check on you. You’ve not talked to her?”  
  
Deran shakes his head and Pope scowls.  
  
”Strange.”  
  
Adrian swallows.  
  
”She came by the shop, asking for the rent yesterday. Forgot to tell you.”  
  
He says it to Deran who just shrugs.  
  
”What did she say?”  
”Just asked for the rent and if I’d seen you lately. Said you were probably at the bar.”  
”Nothing more?”  
”Uhm… yeah, that she had a pie ready.”  
  
Deran sighs deeply and Pope snorts.  
  
”I’m not here for her, Deran.  Just wanted to see if you’re alright.”  
”I’m fine, man.”  
”Good.”  
  
Pope nods slowly and Deran moves, not away but closer to Adrian, taking his hand and his eyes are defiant.  
  
”I’m not going back to her, Pope.”  
  
The lack of surprise and the almost mild smile on Pope’s lips makes Adrian realise this is a conversation they’ve had before, more than once, and it’s always ended with Deran going back to Smurf again. They’re brothers and so close they don’t need many words to get a lot said. There’s nothing even close to disgust, disapproval or disappointment in Pope’s eyes.  
  
”When she asks, I’ll just say you’re too busy with the bar to talk to me.”  
”Thanks man.”  
  
Pope smiles again, shaking his head.  
  
”Just pick up the phone if we call you.”  
  
He means himself and Craig, not Smurf and Deran nods. Pope doesn’t say anything more, he just walks calmly to the door and leaves, soft and silent like a shadow.


	52. Deran

”When did you know?”  
”Knew what?”  
”That you liked guys.”  
  
Seriously? Deran scowls as he finishes the last of the stock supplies and Craig shrugs.  
  
”Okay, okay… Jesus, man, sorry for asking.”  
”Fifteen.”  
”What?”  
”Was fifteen when I knew… sorta.”  
”Sorta? You weren’t sure?”  
  
Craig looks genuinly puzzled. The floor in the office/stock room/bedroom is dirty and needs to be mopped and Deran needs to stop hiding. He scratches his hair.  
  
”It’s not that simple. Guess I knew quite early, just thought it would pass if I didn’t think about it. Or something like that, I don’t know…”  
”Was it always Adrian? I mean, did you have anyone…?”  
  
Deran shakes his head.  
  
”No. Not until I came out to Smurf.”  
”Shit… You’ve only been with one dude?”  
”Until I came out, yeah. Why are you suddenly so interested in my sex life?”  
”I’m not. Just fucking sad you thought any of us would care about who you have sex with.”  
”Smurf would. And it’s not as if you or Pope or Baz ever talked about gays in a positive way.”  
”Yeah… guess we didn’t.”  
”Smurf knew though.”  
  
It still hurts thinking about it. Deran swallows.  
  
”You know how she is, Craig. In the end it’s always about her. She never cared about how it was for me, how it felt to have that secret, being shit scared anyone would find out and use it against me.”  
  
He gives a joyless laugh.  
  
”Her secret little storage unit, the shit she stole from our jobs and keeping us isolated was shitty, but I can understand her on some level even if Baz can’t. She wasn’t wrong about us probably just blow the cash on crap and not thinking ahead. But this… Fuck, Craig, she let me go around and feel like shit for years, not because she didn’t like gays, but because she wanted to control me. That’s not being a mother, that’s just evil.”  
”You seriously don’t think she’d do something to Adrian, right?”  
  
Out of all idiots Deran’s met, no one has been so good at accidently stumble upon the right conclusion as Craig. Deran presses his lips together and his brother looks serious.  
  
”It’s not only about the bar for you, is it? You want out because of Adrian.”  
  
Deran doesn’t answer and that’s answer enough. Craig sighs.  
  
”Jesus… ”  
”Whatever I have or don’t have with Adrian, she mustn’t know, Craig.”  
”I’m no rat and should she find out and try to pull her shit, Pope will loose _his_ shit. Not even Smurf would risk that.”  
  
Deran just snorts.  
  
”No one who doesn’t have a death wish would.”


	53. Adrian

Deran looks really tired. The ”lots of work to do” kind of tired and the moment he sees Adrian by the door, he lits up like he’s seen… Actually Adrian doesn’t know what Deran’s seeing except from a tired Adrian in his hoodie, carrying a bag of pick-up food. It’s very clear he likes the sight.  
  
”Hey… You want a beer?”  
”Sure. Brought us food.”  
  
It feels strangely homey, sitting alone with Deran in his closed bar, having a very late dinner containing of thai food and beers by one of the small tables. Deran tells him about Craig and they both laugh at his reaction to Deran’s very limited number of male lays. Not every guy is a walking boner and Adrian can’t help but feeling a little taken by the way Deran laughs, how he’s able to joke about himself in a way that was impossible before. It almost feels like hearing, talking to and looking at the kid Adrian grew up with: a little shy and slighty awkward guy but, once feeling comfortable, both funny and nice.   
  
”I’m really glad you did this for me, you know… letting me stay with you and all.”  
  
Deran sounds a little worried and it takes a moment before Adrian realises he’s asking if Adrian wants him to stop staying the night. In a way, he does. Not because he doesn’t want Deran in his bed, but to make him try and see if he’s past the worst nightmares now. The Deran Adrian knows, doesn’t like to be depending on someone in that way and if they’re to keep sleeping together, it shouldn’t be because Deran’s too angst ridden to sleep alone.   
  
But that’s not a discussion or battle for this night and Adrian reaches his hand out, curling their fingers together. Then, out of nowhere, he says:  
  
”You should have candles in here. In beer bottles.”  
  
He regrets it the moment he’s said the words, but to his great surprise, Deran looks like he’s actually giving it a thought.  
  
”Good idea, man, but there’s a just a little problem…”  
”Too much restaurant feeling?”  
”No, too many opportunities for Craig to accidently burn down the place.”  
”True.”  
”Set his own apartment on fire a while ago, you know.”  
”Seriously?”  
”Yeah. Him and Nicki. Don’t know what the fuck they’d been snorting but… You know…”  
  
Deran makes a face pretty much saying how much of an idiot his brother is and Adrian sees it again. The glimpse of the guy he fell in love with and now it’s pointless in denying that warm feeling the sweet smile starts waking up inside him. The man in the checkered shirt and weary smile strokes his hair back.  
  
”Actually I… When you came that night, when I opened… I… ”  
  
He’s trying to talk and it’s visibly hard for him, boardering on painful. The past weeks have changed a lot of things Adrian once thought of as more or less fixed and immovable and despite all the good things the change has brought with it, there’s a huge wound luring beneath the calm and closeness. Adrian strokes Deran’s hands with his thumbs, as of reassuring him without words.   
  
The man cocks his head slightly, a move so very _Deran_ it’s like seeing one of the things that connects all the different Derans from far before Belize all the way until now. And Adrian doesn’t need any words added to it, he cups Deran’s cheek and leans over the table, pressing a soft kiss on his lips.


	54. Deran

The bed is not made for two. Nothing in this small, cramped back space is, but he owns it. He’s never been with Adrian anywhere he rightfully can call his own except from this bar and that’s why the narrow mattress doesn’t bother him in the least now. They’re surronded with stock supplies, important papers, boards and odd furniture, miscoloured walls and personal items like a toothbrush in it’s glass and shirts hanging on nails. It’s clean but not cosy and definately not neat, but it’s _his_.  
  
They’ve turned the light off in the bar, not risking people come knocking after hours and the door to the room serving as office, bedroom and stock is ajar. There’s a part of Deran still being anxious someone might walk in on them and he reminds himself he locked the door and double checked it, as he lets himself loose.   
  
He could pin Adrian to one of the shelves, could have him on the desk, go down on him sitting wide spread in the chair, because that’s how he did it with Mark Liston and the other guys he’s had here. Since coming out, Deran’s made up for some lost time and for every guy he’s fucked or sucked, the insecurity has decreased. He’s good in bed, good at making the other guy go loud, cursing and moaning in a way that’s definately not fake. Mark Liston isn’t the only guy who’s complimented him and when Deran got used to feel pleased, even a little proud with himself, there’s always been a part of him, that worried looking-over-shoulder part who’ve felt sad from it. Because it was supposed to be Adrian getting to see that side.   
  
Taking Adrian fast and animalistic would’ve felt good, Adrian would’ve liked it because he likes it rough, but the part Deran’s letting loose now is not the restless, panting and pent-up animal. He’s straddling Adrian, they still have their pants on and Deran’s hair is a curtain around them, as he’s exploring Adrian’s mouth with his tongue. Deran may never feel like he’s made up for all the shitty things he did, but he so desperately wants to make it right. This isn’t Belize, this is _now_ and they may not have said the exact words, there’s still some fear and uncertainty left, but Deran feels like they’re on the same page. Possibly for the first time.  
  
For the first time, Deran allows himself to take it all in. There’s no separation of ”this is Adrian” and ”this is a guy” to keep self-hatred at bay. He no longer wonders if he’s been forgiven or not, he knows he has, and he doesn’t fear being discovered and that makes him react in whole new way. As Adrian’s hands slide over him, Deran follows them, leans into every touch, bending his body to never loose connection with the man he’s not been able to put a label on since Belize. _Friend. Fuck buddy. Lover. Threat…_ It was never easy.   
  
Adrian moves to cup Deran outside the jeans, the kind of promising touch Deran wouldn’t allow for so long and he bucks up into the warm palm, rubbing himself against it until the fingers undo buttons. He’s so tired, but he wants this, wants it so badly and the weariness is forced away from the want. Their clothes come off, not slow, but less rushed than ever before and Deran lets Adrian catch him to lay down own his chest, to not hurry but allowing himself to really take in who it is, that it’s Adrian, a man, and that there’s no separation anymore. He doesn’t want Adrian despite being a guy, doesn’t want only because he is and that’s the last piece falling to place in this puzzle that Deran was too afraid to put together.


	55. Adrian

It feels wrong for this to feel so good. Almost as if it’s pathetic to melt so easily into Deran again. In his head, disappointed, irritated and angry voices tell Adrian that he shouldn’t want this because of all the shit Deran did before. What if this isn’t a new beginning, but only a sliver of normality in a neverending loop of Deran battling himself and Smurf? _What if… what if…_ The unwelcomed thoughts are washed away from soft moans between his legs, from the hot, wet cave that is Deran’s eager mouth.  
  
Adrian tries to be aware of the risk. The fact that this, no matter how good it feels, has the potential of stirring up painful memories for Deran, but it’s hard. They way Deran works his cock, how his tongue swirls around the tip, even pointing at the slit, is all-consuming and so fucking good there’s no place left for other thoughts or words except from the curses Deran’s mouth elicits from him.  
  
”Fuck… Jesus, Deran… Ah… yeah, that’s… that’s it…”  
  
Deran’s making him squirm. He’s rolling Adrian’s balls in his hand, spit from his mouth coming down, making the touch slick and warm and all Adrian can think of is how much he wants Deran to fuck him, how long it’s been since he was on the receiving end with anyone, least of all someone he felt even remotely close to. A particularly intense suction around his bellend has Adrian groan loud and he grips the base of his cock, moving Deran away with the other hand.  
  
”Gonna come too fast if…”  
  
The slightly worried look that turns into a smile, the warmth in the blue eyes, in the slowering touches as Deran moves up to lay between his thighs, puts an arm under him and the hair creates a warm curtain around them, as his skittish friend/lover/whatever the fuck doesn’t plunge down, but presses a gentle, almost nervous kiss on his lips, as if knocking on a door.  
  
He can taste himself on Deran’s tongue, feels how it makes Deran impossibly harder and Adrian wants him in him so badly, it’s been too long and he breaks the kiss.  
  
”You got lube?”  
  
Deran, looking both feral and soft in the dusky room, swallows.  
  
”I… I don’t want you to fuck me… Not now, I mean…”  
  
Adrian just takes the worried face between his hands, looking into the blue eyes.  
  
”That’s not what I want either. I want _you_ to fuck _me_.”  
  
He widens his legs further, swirls them around Deran’s hips and Deran’s cock slides over the crack of Adrian’s ass, the tense face going soft again and then it’s there. The untamed animal choosing to be gentle, moving quickly to grab a bottle of lube and then shoving two slick fingers in and up in an angle that has Adrian fucking whimper because he doesn’t need to tell or show to get what he wants. Deran knows him, knows how he likes it, knows just how to twist and curl his fingers, brushing up and deep to make Adrian twist and turn from want and between the curses and moans, he begs him, begs Deran to fuck him now, _now dammit_ , before he goes fucking mad.  
  
Deran’s so hard it almost looks like it hurts and he slicks himself thoroughly, using more lube than he actually needs but Adrian knows he doesn’t want to take any chances now. He places himself with Adrian’s legs bent down to his chest, with Adrian’s pink, puckered hole completely exposed to him as he enters slowly to keep himself from getting an overload.   
  
Adrian’s soon lost. Deran builds up the pace slow, his cock feels so thick and hard, filling Adrian up completely and he’s bending down to kiss him, muffling Adrian’s moans with his own because non of them are silent anymore. Everytime Deran hits his prostrate, Adrian cries out and in the midst of his own pleasure, he can hear Deran’s unabashed moans, those helpless little sounds Adrian loves and has heard so rarely, telling him that Deran’s not denying himself or Adrian anything in this moment. When Adrian moves to take his own cock, Deran pushes his hand away, looking at him.  
  
”You’re close?”  
  
Adrian bites back a moan.  
  
”Yeah…”  
  
Deran wets his palm and starts stroking Adrian’s cock, loose and slow and Adrian cries out again, for him to go harder and Deran pounds deep into him, almost punishing as Adrian keeps shouting beneath him, moaning so loud the neighbors would hear if there were any. Adrian’s only aware of how good it feels, how the orgasm builds up deep and hot, muscles clenching almost too hard around Deran’s cock as he comes all over his fist and belly, legs shaking and then the breathy curses and whimpers as Deran slows down and the heat of his cum fills Adrian up.


	56. Deran

Adrian looks at ease. No, _satisfied_ and Deran fetches as towel, not wanting Adrian to move, and wipes him off gently. The blue eyes in the freckled face are partly closed and the muscles on his stomach are moving slower. The sight is worrying, beautiful and mesmerizing, waking up feelings Deran’s not sure he knows how to handle right now. He drops the towel on the floor and lays down, pulling the blanket over them.  
  
He wants to say something, needs some kind of confirmation that this, whatever it is, at least is the same for both of them.   
  
”Was it… you know…?”  
  
He regrets asking the moment he says the words, because when he hears himself, he sounds stupid. The old Deran, the one who breaks into his fuckbuddy’s place and can’t face him during sex, peaks up inside, disgusted with a mean grin but then he feels Adrian curling into him.  
  
”It was _really_ good, man…”  
  
The voice is smiling. Slow and sated, warm and very calm. Not the kind of voice for a lie or even exaggeration and Deran has to swallow, relieved Adrian’s in a position where he can’t see his face now. He worms an arm under Adrian’s head and pulls him closer, bending him into his chest. There are words on Deran’s tongue he can’t unleash, because he doesn’t know if they’re his, if they’re words Deran Cody can say without ruining this, if they’re suiting at all and if Adrian would even want to hear them.  
  
Deran’s heart is calm now, so is Adrian’s judging by the heavy relaxation and Deran doesn’t want to ruin this. He’s already done that so many times, with words, glares or actions, some of them right down horrible. All because he was scared of himself, Smurf and what his brothers would think of him. The family motto never seemed to be about relations, other than for Smurf. _May we all get what we want and never what we deserve…_ When did Smurf ever care for what anyone except herself really wanted or deserved?   
  
”Hey… don’t go there…”  
  
Adrian’s voice is merely a whisper, reminding Deran not of secrecy and hiding, but comfort. Care. The kind of care that doesn’t intrude, doesn’t demand or take over. It’s the knock on the door he never knew was normal and the gentle hand pulling him out of the less pleasant places in his head. Adrian may not know them, but he knows _about_ them and that’s enough. At least for now.   
  
He’s pressing a kiss on Deran’s chest and Deran hums in the brown hair. He loves this man even if he doesn’t understand it yet, doesn’t use that word for the things their closeness and separation makes him feel. Deran’s heart is on his sleeve, raw and pounding, scared as hell but unable to hide again. As much as he wanted out, that’s nothing compared to the deep seated longing to let Adrian in.


	57. Adrian

When he wakes up, he’s sore in all the right places and Deran’s hair tickles his face just a little. Adrian’s still laying in his arms, he’s not been pushed away and Deran’s hand is drawing circles on his back. Adrian moves his head to stretch the neck, yawns and curls back into the familiar, yet unusal warmth.  
  
”Did we miss the waves…?”  
”No, but we will. At least I will.”  
  
Their legs are entangled and when Adrian moves, he can feel a dull ache in his thighs and he groans.  
  
”Don’t think I can stand on a board now… Jesus…”  
”Sorry…”  
”No, you’re not.”  
”Alright, I’m not.”  
  
There’s a smile in Deran’s voice and Adrian presses a small kiss on his chest. They’ve not had much sleep this night, mostly because they’ve had a hard time keeping their hands off each other. Whatever tension they seem to have eased the last days, the relief has been huge and apparently also made them stupidly horny. Last time Adrian looked at the watch, it was nearly five in the morning and Deran was wiping Adrian’s cum from his chest after another blowjob. Adrian lost counting way before that. He sighs.  
  
”Guess I have to catch up on work today…”  
”Yeah, me too.”  
”Would rather stay here though.”  
  
It just slips him, maybe because he’s still tired and it’s so nice just laying like this. Deran’s body is warm and his arms very comfortable, cradling Adrian in the sweetest way that’s just so not Deran Cody and in the same time very much _him_. It’s the guy Adrian fell in love with who’s taking over other in a whole new way and Adrian decides it’s time to not make the same mistake again, at least prevent it as far as possible.  
  
”Deran?”  
”Yeah?”  
”I… This is all so… I mean, it’s awesome in a way and I don’t regret it one bit, but… Uhm…”  
”Where do we go from here?”  
  
Just the fact that Deran not only stays calm but actually gives an answer suggesting he really has changed, is enough to make Adrian’s heart flutter and he nuzzles Deran’s chest, sighing.  
  
”You want us to be exclusive?”  
”What do you want?”  
  
Deran’s asking _him_ first?! Okay, this is proper change and Adrian must be careful not loosing his head completely from it. He swallows, trying to make himself appear more calm than he is.  
  
”I… I’d like to, you know, try again. Not like it was before, but… Things have to change for real.”  
”I know.”  
”Some already have. Wouldn’t be here otherwise…”  
  
He means it. Doesn’t know where any of this will lead them but for the first time, Adrian’s less convinced it’s a dead end and that’s something. It’s all he has, all any of them can have right now. For the moment, whatever it is they have, has to be enough.


	58. Deran

They’re not open, but this time it’s a decision they both took and a wise one since they honestly don’t know what they’d be open with anyway. It’s not as if they’re gonna start dating or make out in public just for the sake of it. Craig knows, of course, and Pope but that’s about it. Baz, Jay and Nicki all are too close to Smurf for Deran to feel comfortable and Adrian doesn’t really see the point in them knowing anyway. When it really matters, it all boils down to Smurf.  
  
In a way, things haven’t changed that much. They’re still both quite busy with work, and in Adrian’s case also school and hitting the waves in the mornings is a lot like before: looks and smiles in secret, not visible from the beach. But now there are no more hasty, anxious moments in the restroom. Not that they can’t have them, but unlike the time before Adrian broke up, they no longer feel like they’re forced to chase and grab whatever moments they can have in absolute secret. What they have may be fragile, but this time they’re actually in it together and that changes pretty much everything.  
  
This change means trust and that’s something very new to Deran. He trusts Craig and Pope, but with Adrian it’s always been more difficult, for lots of reasons. Just because he trusts Adrian, doesn’t mean Deran trusts guys who’re looking a little too long at him. He’s not forgotten about the unknown asshole who spiked Adrian’s drink shortly after they came back from Belize and he’s certainly not forgotten just how hot Adrian is and the fact that lots of his customers are guys Deran now can admit are sexy and stupidly in love as he is, the thought of anyone even remotely in to guys not finding Adrian hot, is of course absurd.  
  
Another change, that is far more fun, is looking at and talking about guys with Adrian after the bar has closed. It starts becoming a habit: Adrian shows up with late dinner and they have food, beers and chat in the office behind the bar for half an hour or so, while Heather takes care of the customers. Oh, and lots of that weird fucking constant touching Deran really can’t get his head around. It’s not that he doesn’t like it, but it’s… strange. It’s strange to feel the need to lean into Adrian all the time, to feel like he can’t have enough of him despite knowing non of them want to be with anyone else now. And then, it’s been half an hour and they must continue their talking in the bar, without touching and too obvious looking.  
  
Sometimes Adrian’s otherwise occupied, of course, but sleeping together every night is more or less a fixed thing and they’re not fucking everytime either. Pope would understand that, Deran’s sure of, but if Craig knew he’d probably get really confused, especially since Deran’s not had what he wanted for many years.  
  
But that’s the thing with him and Adrian: they’re friends. Like, real fucking friends and that means something else than what Craig’s had with any of his chicks or what Baz had with Cath. Fucking is not everything and Deran slowly discovers how it feels to just sink down in front of the tv, watching a movie in silence while being able to – and feeling comfortable with – cuddle, something Deran realises he’s been practically starving for. And the fact that he doesn’t deny any of it, might be the biggest change of all.


	59. Adrian

It seems like Deran’s fear of Smurf has changed. It’s still there, but he’s aware of it now, he doesn’t pretend it isn’t but he’s not sure how to deal with it yet. At least if Adrian understands him correctly which he’s not certain he does.  
  
There’s also the rape. They’ve not talked about it since Deran finally opened up and he’s not shown any signs that he wants to talk more. For once, Adrian can’t blame him for that kind of escape. Saying anything at all was huge as hell, especially for Deran and the only way it’s present in their time together, is how Adrian is on the watch for signs of discomfort. With Deran, even if you know him far better than most people considering themselves close to him, it’s not always easy to predict how he’ll react. One more good reason not to be open with what they have.   
  
In a way, it feels like starting the same thing over again, in another like this is all new. For Adrian, that shows both in how deeply uninterested he is with other guys, even when it comes to looking at them, and how Deran looks at him even when others might see. The fact that it’s visibly hard for Deran not looking like he’s in love, is real fucking cute and Adrian wouldn’t want that to stop no matter who might read that look correctly. It’s hard to deny how good it feels not being kept in the shadows anymore. Being with Deran isn’t new, but to be seen by Deran like this is… making Adrian fucking blush.  
  
Other things make Deran blush. Like when Craig was too high to understand what a locked door meant but apparently not too high to shout ”encouraging” things from the other side as Deran was fucking Adrian missionairy style into oblivion. It’s not as if every member of the Cody family hasn’t heard Craig and his chicks in bed, closed doors or not, and while Deran truly loves his idiot brother for being genuinly supportive with everything concerning his sexuality and his relationship with Adrian, he’s definately _not_ comfortable knowing that anyone in his fucked up family hears how he sounds in bed. And neither is Adrian, even if Deran is extremely cute when he blushes.  
  
When they’re laying curled up together in bed or on the couch late nights, watching movies or pretending to, the change in Deran shows in a much more subtle way. Where he used to focus on the movie to pretend he wasn’t really paying attention to how his hands were searching for Adrian without the intention to fuck, he’s now barely pretending to focus on whatever movie going on the screen.  
  
Sometimes he asks if Adrian has other plans, awkwardly, like he’s not sure how to do that without sounding controlling, and when Adrian says he hasn’t, that he’s planned on just staying home and chill, the ease is so visible it almost hurts seeing it and Adrian rewards the effort, Deran’s stumbling steps to a more healthy way of seeing himself, Adrian and others, with a reassuring smile. Normality is a long lesson to learn after a whole life that’s been anything but normal.


	60. Deran

”Where’s Adrian?”  
”Working.”  
”This late?”  
”Yeah, he had a board he promised to be ready tonight so… Shots? Just a sec!”  
  
He’s having lots of customers tonight and barely had time to get a smoke. Him and Heather are running non stop between and Deran’s not even sure what time it is. Pope is sitting with his club soda, for some reason he’s not drinking tonight, looking mildly skeptical as always.  
  
”It’s almost twelve, man.”  
  
Deran throws an eye on the watch. Fuck. Pope’s right. He’s been up and running all night, not kept check on time and Adrian should’ve been here at least three or four hours ago. He hauls up his phone, seeing there’s a missed call and a voicemail from him and he’s just about to go out to call him, when a large party of people are coming inside and Heather, who’s literally glistening from sweat, looks like she’s about to drop where she’s standing –or running. Deran puts the phone back in his pocket and starts taking the orders.  
  
When he finally can get a minute to himself, Pope’s still sitting like a statue, staring at his bottle and Deran goes outside to have a smoke and listen to the message.  
  
_Hey, it’s me. Listen I… I have some things to do, man and… I have to get away for a while. I’m leaving tonight and uhm… I hope you get this message. It’s just… it won’t work. There’s too much shit between us. Take care, Deran. Sorry._  
  
Deran just stands where he is, starring at the phone as the smoke slowly burns to ashes in his other hand. The call and message came in two hours ago and Deran dials the number, but it goes straight to voicemail. __  
  
He does it again. Again. And again. His brain, already exhausted from the night of work, can’t figure out what else to do. He’s leaving messages, first calm ones, then angry and then desperate. He’s forgotten all about the bar, the fact that he’s left Heather alone with all the work and that Pope’s probably still there, looking all creepy in his corner.  
  
Deran doesn’t care, doesn’t fucking care about anything than the indifferent echo of Adrian’s voice, sounding nothing like the warm, soft man who kissed him this morning. He’s sinking down on an empty keg, suddenly all shaky in his legs. And that’s how Pope finds him ten minutes later, listening to the message over and over and over again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here ends this part of the Belize Shadow series. There will, of course, be a follow-up.


End file.
